Touch Me
by gleek428
Summary: Ernst and Hanschen continue their meetings. Ernst doesn't know if a physical relationship is enough. Hanschen tries to sort out his feelings of lust and love. Written from both Ernst and Hanschen's perspectives. Horrible summary, the story is better!
1. Skimming Off the Cream: Ernst

This is my very first fanfic, so I thought it was only fitting that it should be a Spring Awakening fic about Hanschen and Ernst! I decided to write each chapter from both characters' perspectives. The next chapter is the same scene but in Hanschen's point of view. It is, of course, your choice whether you want to read them both or not, but I certainly found it interesting to write both. It might also help you understand the characters' actions. I would love reviews so very much!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did, I would own Hanschen Rilow. Sigh.

Ernst

Oh, God. I was looking at Hanschen again. I hadn't been alone with him since that day at the vineyard. What had I done?! I had kissed the most beautiful boy I had _ever met_. I knew it was somehow wrong, but it felt _so right. _I meant what I had said in that moment. As much as it complicated things, I did love him. At least…I thought I did. I was too young and inexperienced to really understand love.

It had been well over a week. I had forced myself to stop counting the days; it was far too depressing and pathetic. Sure, we had seen each other at school every day, but I avoided him at all costs. There was no way I could face him now.

"Herr Roble. The answer please?" I had been too busy daydreaming to even hear the question. I couldn't move, and my mouth was agape, completely at a loss of what to say. I heard the recognizably smooth, seductive sound of Hanschen laughing. When would this day just be over?

I heard the perfect voice again, this time speaking. I couldn't comprehend what it said, but I turned around to see Hanschen, standing, answering my question for me.

"Very good, Herr Rilow. Perhaps you should help Herr Roble study."

"Perhaps I should," Hanschen said quietly, as if for only me to hear. As much as I wanted to say thank you, I still could not make my mouth work, so I just stared for another moment. He gave me a look that seemed to say _you're welcome_ and _I want you_ at the same time, but I was sure that it was just my imagination. Surely what had occurred between us was just a lapse in his judgment. Hanschen began to smirk and chuckle. I looked down, horrified to see that my hand was awkwardly waving at him. I turned around, mortified, and slouched as far down in my seat as I could, waiting to be dismissed.

When the class finally ended, I gathered my things as quickly as I could. I was determined to be the first one out of the classroom. But just as it seemed sweet escape was in my grasp, I tripped over my own two feet. I could feel hot tears looming behind my eyes as the other boys filed out the door, laughing at me as they went. Melchior would have helped me up, but he had been missing for days. Any of the girls would have stopped to help me, but the stupid rules kept us in different schools. I had begun to see why, but I was having more trouble with the dreamy boy sitting behind me than I had ever had with any of the girls.

Suddenly, I saw a pair of feet waiting next to me. By the time I looked up to see his face, I already knew that it was the one person I could not face. He outstretched his hand, and looked straight into my tearful eyes with his smirking ones. Again speechless, I silently took his hand and allowed him to haul me up.

"Now then," his voice was still a low murmur, "how about we get going?"

_Oh, God, he wants to walk home with me._ I couldn't decide if this was the opportunity I had been longing for or dreading. Maybe it was a sign that he really did want to be with me. Not trusting myself not to say something stupid, I nodded quickly, grabbed my books, and followed him out the door.

I was sure that if he ran, which I had often seen him do after school let out, he would make it home in half the time. My legs were long but I was not very fast, and I knew that if he started running I would humiliate myself even more by not being able to catch up. Although, I started thinking, I might have been better off if I let him leave me behind. This would probably be better than any mortifying comment I would inevitably make, and then I would get to watch Hanschen run. _From behind_. Ugh. I shouldn't have been having these thoughts about anyone, much less a boy.

After walking in silence for a few minutes, his sultry voice finally broke the unbearable silence.

"So Ernst, how are you? We haven't really spoken since…" he trailed off, giving me a knowing look.

"I'm fine," I answered, suddenly aware of how young and childish my voice sounded. "And you?"

"Fine. I've been giving a lot of thought to our…conversation a while back. In the vineyard. Do you remember?"

My voice caught before I could force out a "yes."

"Remember how I told you to 'skim off the cream?'"

"Skim off the cream?" My voice cracked just like it had the very first time he had brought up the subject.

"Yes," he purred. "Have you thought about what you want to do? Do you want to churn your milk, spill your milk, or skim off the cream?"

We had stopped walking now, and he was looking deep into my eyes. "I guess, skim off the cream?" My voice was quivering, and I knew it sounded like a question.

"Good," he whispered and leaned in towards me. Before I knew it, he was kissing me with such passion that I thought my heart might explode. And it felt _good._ I wanted that moment to last forever, terrified that it would end too quickly. Suddenly I heard the thump of my books hitting the ground. He broke away in surprise, and I tried to catch my rampant breath.

"Well, maybe you're tired," Hanschen crooned. "Would you like to sit down?" He sat down in the grass off of the road, looked up at me with a far too attractive _come hither_ look and patted the spot next to him. Breathlessly I sat down by him, scared out of my wits.

"Now then," he said, "where were we?" He kissed me again, and I was once again in heaven. It was even more intense than last time, which I hadn't thought was possible. He continued kissing me as we fell slowly backwards. I felt my back hit the ground but I didn't stop-couldn't stop-kissing him. My eyes were closed but I felt his fingers trailing my cheek, my jaw, my neck. I gasped as his hand went to the front of my shirt and unbuttoned the first button, but he didn't go any further, which relieved me. I certainly wasn't ready for _that_ yet.

A few breathless, beautiful moments later, he broke away again.

I gasped, grateful for the breath but hungry for more Hanschen.

"Are you alright?" He laughed amusedly.

"More than alright…" I giggled, and when he laughed, I blushed. This made him laugh harder.

"What?" I asked.

"You are just so _adorable_," his voice seemed almost mocking. Was adorable a good thing or a bad thing?

He seemed to see the question in my eyes and smiled provocatively, stretching and putting an arm comfortably around my waist. Having his arm around me felt strange, but certainly pleasant.

"So…" one eyebrow was cocked, his blonde hair was tousled. "What now?" I just looked into his gorgeous eyes, afraid to let myself speak again. "Shall we get you home?" I was humiliated to hear a squeak of protest come from my lips, but I really did not want this to end. I was still terrified that if I let him go now, I would never have him again. Once again, Hanschen was laughing at me.

"Don't worry," he whispered into my ear. "Tomorrow is Saturday, which means we don't have to go to school and listen to that _insolent_ teacher drone on and on." I blinked up at him innocently, wondering what he would say next, although just listening to his seductive voice was enough. "I wonder what we could do instead…" he trailed off, and I could see him try to look innocent. Of course, it only made him look less innocent when I thought of how naïve I must have looked compared to him. "Any ideas Ernst?" He made me feel like a student in his classroom. My mind suddenly fluttered to _all_ the things he could teach me, all of them sinful but I yearned for them just the same. That scared me. My mind had never worked this way before, but Hanschen had already perverted my virtue.

"Time's up!" he brought me back to reality. "I'll answer for you. You will meet me at the vineyard at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon. You will tell your parents that I am helping you study. I'm sure they will not object to that, considering your…substandard grades. Bring your schoolbooks…we _may _get some studying done." I could hardly comprehend what he had just said. More time with Hanschen…it was a dream come true. I nodded enthusiastically.

"Perfect," he nearly growled. Keeping his arm around my waist, he used his free hand to grab mine and helped me stand. I looked around, suddenly aware of the world around us. I had forgotten that anyone or anything else existed. I could see the sun setting on the horizon, and I knew I had to get home.

We walked hand in hand until we reached the fork in the road where we both knew we needed to separate. I sighed when we paused, and looked out at the horizon once more, trying to will the sun back up. Hanschen surprised me with a kiss goodbye, and what was more surprising was the gentle way he kissed me. I kissed him back with fervor, surprised at my courage. When he broke away he smiled, possibly as impressed as I was with myself.

"Until tomorrow," he stroked my cheek, and then he was off. I watched him go until he was far into the distance before I went on my own way. There was no way I could wait that many seconds, knowing that already each one was painful, so I predicted that I would dream of Hanschen that night. And every night after. I had never been more right in my life.


	2. Skimming Off the Cream: Hanschen

Hanschen

Mmmm, yes. He was looking at me again. God, that poor little Ernst was going to make this so easy. It wasn't even a challenge, really, so I didn't quite understand why the frail boy interested me so. Ah, well, no matter. I wanted him and so he would be mine.

He was so obviously not paying attention. It was inevitable that the teacher would ask him a question and he would be clueless. This would give me the perfect opportunity to come to his rescue.

When the time came, I barely heard the question, but, nevertheless, I knew the answer immediately.

"Herr Roble. The answer please?" He was so cute when he was nervous. I began to chuckle, aware of how attractive my voice must have sounded to him. I let him sweat for a few moments until I believed that the poor child would soil his pants. Then I stood.

"The answer is zero," I said, standing straight and looking at my teacher, but using my peripherals to glance at Ernst.

"Very good, Herr Rillow. Perhaps you should help Herr Roble study."

"Perhaps I should," I muttered, hoping Ernst could hear me. The look on his face showed me he did. As I sat down, I stared directly into his eyes, bearing through his sockets with my piercing gaze. As he gazed back, he began to give me a little wave, wiggling his fingers in my direction. This was more than I could handle.

As much as I subdued it, I couldn't help but let myself laugh. Suddenly, I saw him look down at his hand as if he wasn't aware of its actions. Obviously mortified, I watched his face grow scarlet and saw him whirl around in his seat.

I spent the rest of the class staring at the back of Ernst's head. He was slouched in his seat, and his dark hair was mussed from running his troubled fingers through it in frustration. I felt such a lust staring at that raven head, a need… no, not a need. I didn't need anything or anyone. But I knew that having him under my control would please me.

When we were finally dismissed from class, I prepared myself (who was I kidding, I needed no preparation to make myself irresistible) for action. I stood up from my desk as Ernst gathered his things, determined not to let him get away. Just as it seemed he might be able to beat me out of the classroom, he tripped.

Poor, clumsy Ernst.

_Perfect._

I stood motionless for a few moments and watched all of the other boys shuffle past him, laughing as they went, none of them bothering to stop and help him. He was sprawled on the floor, all limbs and appendages, and somehow that turned me on. _No, focus. I_ was the one who would be turning _him _on.

It was probably cruel of me to keep waiting so long to rescue him, but I knew that the more distress he was in, the greater effect the rescue would have. And I knew from experience and storybooks that knights in shining armor were about as attractive as you could get.

When, finally, everyone had left the room but the two of us, I coolly walked over to him and stood, poised, by his lying figure. I held out my hand to him, and after staring at it for a moment, he took it. I couldn't decide whether he was grateful for or upset by the help. Although, how could he be anything but intimidated when he was holding hands with _me?_

I wouldn't allow my voice to be a growl yet, right now that was not in my best interest. I cleared my throat and called forth a gently seductive voice before speaking.

"Now then," I said, "how about we get going?"

I watched his already wide eyes grow impossibly wider with awe. He nodded quickly and gathered his books before following me out the door.

I had to look away from him several times to keep myself from laughing; his strides were long, but so weak. He really was a child, and it almost made me feel badly about what I was going to do to him. But then again, he would most certainly enjoy it.

After allowing the silence to grow uncomfortable, I decided to speak.

"So Ernst, how are you? We haven't really spoken since…" I allowed my voice to trail off, reminding him with my eyes of our afternoon in the vineyard. He remembered. Oh, did he remember. I could see his face twist between the pleasure of the memory and the anticipation of what would happen next.

"I'm fine," his innocent voice answered. "And you?"

"Fine," and just to make sure he remembered the specifics of our last meeting, "I've been giving a lot of thought to our…conversation a while back. In the vineyard. Do you remember?"

I watched his adams apple quiver as he squeaked, "Yes."

I smiled as I recalled the way I had described my perfect system for dealing with the world. "Do you remember how I told you to 'skim off the cream'?"

"Skim off the cream?" his voice cracked, and it sounded so deliciously similar to the way he had responded the first time I mentioned it to him.

"Yes," I turned on the charm even more now, allowing my voice now to settle into the seductive growl. "Have you thought about what you want to do? Do you want to churn your milk, spill your milk, or skim off the cream?"

I stopped walking and he, of course, followed my lead. I looked into his eyes, waiting for his answer, although I already knew what it would be. After my persuasive argument, there was really only one option.

"I guess, skim off the cream?" he looked back into my confident eyes with his worried ones. Was he asking for my approval? Did he really not think he had answered correctly? That was the final straw. He was so innocent. _Too_ innocent. I had to corrupt him, I couldn't wait any longer. This boy, this _child_, would be mine. Now.

"Good," I whispered, and leaned in for the kiss.

My lips went to work intertwining with his, and I could tell from his gasp and the way his eyelashes fluttered that he was both surprised and pleased. A nearby thump startled me a bit, and I broke away in surprise. I looked down and realized that he had dropped his books. The look on his face was priceless. I had already successfully seduced him, and I hadn't even gotten started yet. It was too easy, so I continued my game, challenging myself further, pretending like I hadn't won him yet.

"Well, maybe you're tired," I suggested and sat in the grass by the road. "Would you like to sit down?" I flashed a smile and told him with my eyes what I wanted.

He sat down, and he still looked so naïve. I couldn't understand why that made me want him so badly, why his large worried eyes made me want to stare into them, why his trembling, parting lips made me want to take them prisoner. I closed my eyes for a moment and shook my head to clear away these thoughts. This was not a time for thinking. This was a time to let my animal instincts and my body lead the way.

"Now then," I said, "where were we?" I leaned in again, this time allowing myself to build up the kiss more slowly. And it felt…different. I felt…something? Just a spark of something, but still something. I wasn't supposed to feel anything. Sure, it should feel good, it should appease my hunger, but it shouldn't have felt any different from any other person I had ever kissed. He wasn't even doing anything; I was doing all the work. None of this made any sense, so I reminded myself to stop thinking and let my hormones take over.

As we continued kissing, or, rather, as I continued kissing him, I pressed his back into the ground as gently as I could. I let my fingers instinctively trace his cheek, his jaw, his neck. Next, I let my fingers go to work on his shirt buttons. The moment had come.

It took me longer than it should have to get the first button undone. I heard him let loose a gasp as he realized what I was doing. It was then that I came to the horrid realization: he hadn't seen this coming. I had used every ounce of my charm on this boy, and he was just now seeing what I wanted in return. Incredible. His purity was incredible. All of a sudden I feared that I did not have the heart to penetrate it.

I gave up on the buttons and on my intentions for now. We would work up to that. I knew he would be coming back for more. And besides, I would enjoy continuing these meetings. Being with Ernst was pleasant when I could keep myself from _thinking_.

I allowed myself to break the kiss, leaving an imprint, I was sure, on those tender lips. I watched him sputter and gasp for breath, although I could see in his eyes that a hunger, a need for me had already developed. I couldn't help but laugh at the familiar look of desire upon so innocent a face.

"Are you alright?" I asked him playfully.

"More than alright…" he was giggling. I had turned this boy completely giddy. This, of course, brought forth new peals of laughter. I was as close to giddy as I had ever been in my life.

"What?" he blushed.

"You are just so _adorable_," I answered truthfully. I saw confusion in his eyes but I ignored it. I stretched and wrapped an arm around his waist. I liked this little taste of having him in my arms. I could feel in his body that I was in complete control. And I wouldn't abuse it…today.

"So…" Now that I had relaxed I shot him a confident, sultry look. "What now? Shall we get you home?"

He squeaked in what I had to assume was protest. I had him right where I wanted him, and I couldn't help but laugh again. I leaned into him and pressed my lips to his ear.

"Don't worry," I whispered. "Tomorrow is Saturday, which means we don't have to go to school and listen to that _insolent_ teacher drone on and on. I wonder what we could do instead…" I blinked into his eyes, trying on an innocent act for size. "Any ideas Ernst?" I watched his eyes as he seemed to imagine. For a moment I allowed myself to wonder what he could possibly be thinking. Had I really done that good a job corrupting him that he already had ideas?

After a few moments, I grew bored of watching him think.

"Time's up!" I said. "I'll answer for you. You will meet me at the vineyard at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon. You will tell your parents that I am helping you study. I'm sure they will not object to that, considering your…substandard grades. Bring your schoolbooks…we _may _get some studying done." He nodded, smiling in disbelief, and I was again reminded of how much power I had over him.

"Perfect," I growled, hoping that this time he would be warned. If he knew what was coming, maybe I wouldn't have so much…trouble. I helped him up and noticed how dark it was getting. I took his hand and led him down the road until we reached the fork where we had to separate. I watched him stare out into the horizon longingly, and I couldn't help it. I leaned over and touched my lips to his, more gently than before. What was amazing was that his lips came alive between mine. He began to kiss me back, and with fervor. And while he could _certainly_ use more practice, he had a natural talent for it. I let a soft moan escape my lips before letting the kiss end.

Rather than ending on that note, I wanted to leave him wanting more, not the other way around. "Until tomorrow," I murmured, and stroked his cheek. Then I turned towards home and walked away. I could feel his eyes tracing me as I walked away. _Perfect. _Tomorrow, there would be no plans, no thinking. Just me, Ernst, and our bodies. But nevertheless, something about Ernst fascinated me. I predicted that I would dream of him that night. I had never been more right in my life.


	3. Interruption: Hanschen

I decided to start with Hanschen this chapter. As always it is your choice whether you want to read both perspectives or not, but in this chapter both have dreams and separate scenes in their homes that I would love for you to read. This chapter came out longer than I expected. Reviews would be fantastic!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did, I would own Ernst Roble. Sigh.

Hanschen

_This was more like it. No thinking, just me and Ernst. He was already getting better, but, of course, not better than me. I was still in total control. This time, everything would work out according to plan. Just to be safe, I decided to warn him one more time._

"_You're gonna be wounded, you're gonna be my wound, you're gonna bruise too, I'm gonna be your bruise."_

_He smiled up at me, and his huge eyes seemed to say, "Go for it." I took it as a go-ahead._

_I removed both our shirts quickly and skillfully. So far, so good. Only when I went after the pants did he place a hand on my chest to stop me._

"_Hanschen," his voice made him sound twelve years old. "Before we do this, I need to know that you love me."_

_Good thing I was practiced at the art of lying. Normally, I wouldn't tell a lie of this magnitude, but I was desperate. On top of Ernst, I was closer to need than I would ever admit. I couldn't let him get away this time. Lust was a powerful, powerful thing._

_I looked deep into those massive eyes. "Ernst," I whispered, "I love you."_

_He smiled in disbelief and amazement, a smile that might have melted my heart a bit had I not been so focused. "Okay, I'm ready."_

_He lay flat on the ground, and gently removed his hand from my chest. As I watched the slender fingers recoil, I noticed a bruise on my chest where his hand had been. I looked back at him. "How did you do that?"_

"_I'm gonna bruise you, you're gonna be my bruise," he smiled happily into my eyes. "That's how love is."_

I awoke in a cold sweat. What could have possibly called forth that dream? Ernst was putty in my hands. He _wanted_ to be with me, _needed _even. Why else would he have agreed to meet me at the vineyard this afternoon? He knew what was coming. He had to. Besides, the child could barely talk to me, much less ask such a question. I was not the bruisable type. Despite my reassurances, it took me several shaky minutes to even notice my…er…stomach and retreat to the bathroom.

I spent the morning getting my homework done. Even the Good Lord knew I wouldn't be getting anything done after one o'clock. The assignments were painfully easy. Pity. I was hoping for something of a distraction. I laughed as I imagined Ernst, probably trying to do the same assignments. I was sure that he was failing miserably.

The homework was done in an hour. I checked the clock in my room. Eleven o'clock. Two hours to kill. I let my mind wander. I would be fashionably late; build up the poor boy's anticipation. Seducing him again would be ever so easy, and then I would have all afternoon to enjoy him.

At noon Mother called me downstairs for lunch. I tried to eat at a normal speed, knowing very well that eating faster would not make the time pass faster. Admittedly, I was a little excited. There was something thrilling about what I was going to do, like a lioness stalking her prey. Even better yet was the exhilaration of not having a plan.

I waited until five minutes after one before leaving. Not only did I know for sure that Ernst was there on time, but I was also aware of how long five minutes can seem when waiting in anticipation. On the way out I mentioned to Mother that I was helping a classmate study. She beamed and I was out the door before she could ask any questions. She had been trying to convince me to help out weaker classmates for months. She so badly wanted me to make friends.

I ran most of the way to the vineyard out of boredom. As I approached, I slowed to an easy walk. I began to look for Ernst, suddenly worried that he might have left, or had been too afraid to even come. I smiled when I noticed him standing behind a tree towards the back of the vineyard. Was he hiding from me? His back was up against the tree, and he appeared to be breathing heavily.

I began a childish game of hide-and-seek, pretending to look behind trees, rocks, and vines until I came to the tree where he was waiting. "Oh, where could Ernst be?" I loudly and dramatically asked the vineyard. Then I leaned up against the front of the tree and waited.

I heard him draw in a sharp breath and shuffle nervously around the tree towards me. When he finally made it around to the front of the tree, he tried to meet my eyes and match my seductive gaze.

"Why hello Ernst," I growled, not holding anything back. I watched a semi-confident look melt off of his face at the mere sound of my voice.

"H-h-hanschen," he stuttered. The poor boy was a wreck. A wide-eyed, pale skinned, naïve wreck…oh, why did that make him so alluring?

"Well," I said as casually as I could, "I guess we should start studying, shouldn't we?" I watched his eyes drop in disappointment, then grow wide in panic and embarrassment as he realized he hadn't brought any of his books.

"Hanschen," his voice was barely audible, "I'm afraid I've forgotten my books."

I was loving this. "Ernst," I scolded, "you forgot to bring your schoolbooks on a day we planned to study?" I looked directly into his eyes mocking chastisement.

"Y-yes," he hung his head in mortified shame.

"Oh, Ernst," I shook my head, "I guess we're just going to have to find something else to do…"

He looked up at me, his eyes more frightened and confused than embarrassed now. I smiled wryly and raised my eyebrows. It was then I noticed, hanging between our heads, a vine growing off of a lattice next to the tree. The vine was covered with the largest red grapes I had ever seen. I plucked one, the grape succumbing as easily to my grasp as, I was sure, Ernst would. I popped it into my mouth.

"Mmmm…" the grape was sweet and delicious, and I closed my eyes in pleasure as it slid down my throat. "Would you like a grape, Ernst?"

I noticed that his gaze had been more focused on the top button of my shirt, which I had purposely left unbuttoned, than on my face. At the sound of his name he came alert and looked into my eyes.

"Huh? Oh, sure," he said quietly, still obviously unsure of what would happen next. I picked another grape and held it to his pursed lips. He parted them slightly, and I let my fingers brush his lips as I pushed the grape inside, then let them linger a moment before I pulled them away. His lips remained open until, laughing lightly, I licked mine, which seemed to remind him of the grape in his mouth. He clamped it shut and chewed carefully, swallowing without the slightest hint of pleasure.

"Not a big fan of grapes?" I asked, as if I were genuinely curious.

"They're fine-I mean great-I mean…is it getting hot out here?" he asked miserably. He was even more nervous now than at either of our first two meetings. I didn't let myself wonder why.

"Not where I'm standing. Why don't you come sit in the shade next to me?" I looked at him half welcoming, half challenging. He stiffened before obliging. I sat down next to him, my back still up against the tree.

Keeping my eyes focused on some nonexistent object in the distance, I slid my leg gradually to meet his. I heard a whimper upon contact. I then placed my hand "absentmindedly" on my leg and let it wander over to his.

"Ohhhh…Hanschen?"

I whipped my head around and stared straight into his bewildered eyes. Our faces were only inches apart. "Yes?"

He gazed longingly into my eyes, and then squeezed his shut. Before I realized what he was doing, he closed the gap between us and touched his lips to mine fleetingly. I was ashamed of the slight shiver that ran down my spine. How could I feel anything from _that?_

He paused a moment before opening his eyes. "Was that okay?" My hand was still on his leg, and I could feel him shivering. His desire to impress me made me smile.

"That was fine, especially for someone so… inexperienced," I let the last word fall from my lips slowly, hoping he would take the bait.

"So you have a lot of…experience?" he sounded scared, almost hurt. Not exactly the reaction I was looking for, but I could still make it work.

"Some, of course. A lot of it is…" I leaned forward, still keeping one hand on his leg while pressing the other into the ground behind him. "…instinct. But you know there's only one way to gain experience."

He gulped and stared at my lips right in front of his, obviously contemplating if he should repeat his last move. He didn't have to. I barely had to move to capture his lips in a grateful kiss for both of us.

I leaned his back against the ground. He was already getting better, but not better than me of course. I tried to ignore the tingles in my lips, strangers to my body. I was still in total control. This time, everything would work out according to plan. I felt a strange sense of déjà vu as I removed our shirts. Everything was coming so easily now. Suddenly he placed his hand on my chest and broke the kiss, although it looked like it was hurting him.

"Hanschen," he breathed heavily.

_No!_ I quickly mashed my mouth onto his to silence him. That nightmare was not about to become a reality. He seemed to forget whatever he was going to say as I placed a hand behind his head and held him to me, deepening the kiss to make sure he forgot. I was just about to make another attempt when I heard footsteps nearby.

I swiftly pushed Ernst away from me and grabbed for my shirt. I thrust my arms through the sleeves and began fumbling with my buttons while he lay flabbergasted on the ground. It was then that the intruder came into sight.

"Melchie?" Ernst asked in astonishment. "When did you get back?"

_Melchior Gabor?!_ Melchior had gone completely AWOL, and had been missing ever since a few days after Wendla's funeral. He was supposed to come home from the reformatory but had run away instead. Good riddance in my book. Melchior and I had never really gotten along. He was a pompous know-it-all who obviously thought he was better than everyone else. And up at the top, we clashed.

But there he was, standing in front of me, ruining my afternoon. I watched Ernst scramble up clumsily to give Melchior a hug. _A hug?_ And had he called him _Melchie?_ No one but Moritz had called him that. I had seen them talking several times before Moritz's death, but I hadn't thought they were this close.

This could be a problem.

"So…" Melchior shot a disapproving look at me, "what have you two been doing?"

Ernst gazed happily at Melchior before starting, "Well, we…"

I cut him off, knowing that he was about to tell Melchior _the truth._ The truth that would certainly get us both sent to reformatories, separate ones of course.

"We were just talking," I hurriedly but coolly told Melchior, "we were having a nice conversation, that is, until you interrupted." I gave him a look that said _get lost_.

Ernst looked confused and a little hurt. Could he not see why this had to be kept a secret? Melchior eyed my disheveled clothing and hair, and Ernst's lack of a shirt. He glared at me angrily, and then shot a worried glance in Ernst's direction.

"Well, I'm on my way home now. I know that Ernst's house is way out of your way Hanschen, and I live right next door," his innocent act didn't fool me for a second. "I could walk Ernst home. That is, if you were just talking." He smiled defiantly, challenging me with his eyes.

"That would be very kind of you, _Melchie_," I knew the nickname would bother him coming from me. Obviously I didn't want to leave so soon, but he didn't give me much of a choice. Ernst looked at me in shock, his brow furrowed and his eyes staring right through mine.

"I guess we shall continue our _conversation_," he couldn't be dense enough to miss my implications, "at a later date." He disappointedly nodded in my direction. I held out my hand for him to shake and he frowned at the formality. I let the handshake last longer than it should have, and trailed my thumb over his little finger as suggestively as I could with Melchior standing there. Ernst cleared his throat and looked at the ground in attempt to hide his blush. That would have to do for now.

As we approached Melchior, he, of course, stepped between us. We walked like that down the road for a few minutes, Ernst asking questions about where he had been, Melchior giving vague answers and ridiculous philosophical wisdom. We couldn't reach the fork in the road soon enough. When it was time for us to separate, I glanced as casually as I could into Ernst's eyes.

"Nice to see you again, Ernst," professional and business-like; my father would be so proud. "Melchior," "I addressed him shortly.

"Hanschen," he glared again. "Have a nice night," now he looked amused. Great.

"Goodnight Hanschen," Ernst said quietly. I nodded in his direction and began the short walk home.

Allow me to explain. For anyone who didn't understand Hanschen's dream (I apologize I tried to make it clear), I based it on my interpretation of "The Word of Your Body." I believe that the wounds and bruises mentioned in the song are figurative and emotional, not literal and physical. In love and sex, you make yourself vulnerable to emotional pain. And while Hanschen uses this song to seduce Ernst in the vineyard scene, he only ever says that Ernst will be bruised and wounded. Hanschen does not want fall in love with Ernst because that will make him susceptible to pain. This dream highlights one of Hanschen's worst fears: vulnerability. That's my opinion anyway. Let me know what you think! Next chapter is Ernst's perspective, read on if you want to know what Melchie and Ernst discuss after they leave Hanschen...


	4. Interruption: Ernst

*gets down on hands and knees* PLEASE REVIEW! I would love to know what you think about my double perspective format! I apologize; Ernst's chapter came out even longer than Hanschen's.

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did, I would own Melchior Gabor. Sigh.

Ernst

_I was walking to the vineyard. I was confident, unafraid. Hanschen was waiting there, sitting up against a tree. I took a deep breath, and snuck up on him from behind. Before he saw me, I pressed my lips to his and we shared an incredible kiss. I heard him gasp as I intensified the kiss and pounced on top of him. I was in control. I opened my eyes. We were both shirtless. When did that happen? I pressed my bare chest into his seductively and wrapped my arms around him. When I broke the kiss, his icy blue eyes gazed up into mine. "Ernst," he said dreamily, "I love you." Those last three words rang in my ears._

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

I awoke grinning from ear to ear. If only it could be that easy. I had already told Hanschen I loved him. And what had he said? _And so you should_. What did that mean? I sighed at the loveliness of the dream before the guilt set in. Every morning after a sinful dream like that, I found myself rapt with the worst possible kind of guilt. I had yet to figure out why something that could give me so much pleasure could be so wrong, but according to the Bible and my pastor, it was.

This hadn't been the worst of the dreams. Not by far. All Hanschen and I had done in this dream was kiss. But some dreams…oh, some dreams brought me the greatest possible amount of pleasure but brought with them the greatest possible amount of guilt. I couldn't remember a night where Hanschen hadn't seduced his way into my dreams.

But it was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Somehow loving Hanschen was tearing me away from God. And that was ripping me apart. I leapt out of bed and kneeled for my morning prayers.

Whenever I prayed, I finally felt like a good Christian. I could talk to God, obey Him by admitting my sins and beg Him for forgiveness. He was the one person, or being rather, that I could put full faith in and trust that He would forgive me. Believing in Him meant never being alone, which I needed now more than ever.

After I finished praying, of course, the guilt set back in. Why did I deserve to have someone there to keep forgiving me, when all I could do was keep defying Him? Why was it that in choosing between Hanschen and God, I couldn't immediately choose the one who was always there for me? What was worse was that I so longed for Hanschen's sweet kiss, and for him to tell me that he loved me. These sinful desires hurt more than usual this morning, and I felt tears run down my cheeks as I relived the dream.

I knelt there, crying, begging God for mercy through my tears, until I heard Mother calling me. I took a moment to compose myself, wiped my tears on my sleeve, and called back.

"Yes, Mother?"

"Ernst? I made you breakfast," she called through my door which, thankfully, was closed.

"Thank you. I'll be right down."

As I was eating I casually mentioned to my parents that I was meeting a classmate for a tutoring session. As much as the guilt plagued me, in a weird way it also made me want to be with Hanschen even more. After all of the distress I was feeling, I needed something that would make me happy, even if it would result in more guilt later. They were ecstatic that I was finally getting some help, as they knew I was not doing well in any of my classes. Mother seemed even happier when I told her who my tutor was.

"That Rilow boy is so smart," she said, "and so handsome." I couldn't argue there. "He will be a wonderful influence on you."

After breakfast I decided to try some homework. Every time I tried to get into an assignment, however, Hanschen appeared. His hair, those eyes, that smile, those lips, pressing against mine…

By the time one o'clock finally came, I had only gotten one assignment done, most of which was probably wrong. But I had made a decision. I was going to make that dream come true. I would be the one to kiss him first. I would show him that I could be smooth and seductive just like him, and then maybe, just maybe, he would love that side of me.

I said goodbye to Mother and began walking to the vineyard. I didn't really want to get there before him, but I didn't want to be late either. I forced myself into a steady walk. It was torturous. When I finally saw the vineyard in front of me, shudders took over my body. At the first glance, I knew that Hanschen wasn't there.

Did he forget? Was he late? Was this all just a cruel joke?

I decided to look for him more carefully, just in case. After searching the whole vineyard, I came upon a beautiful tree. It looked eerily like the one from my dream. Reassured, I stood behind the tree and waited, somehow newly hopeful that everything would work out.

After what seemed like hours of waiting, I heard footsteps in the distance. When I looked out, my eyes were filled with Hanschen. His blond hair was shining in the sun, his blue eyes sparkling. He was so beautiful. And he wanted _me._ He might not love me, but why should I deserve his love? Suddenly, just his being there was more than enough.

I watched him search the vineyard, and I wondered if I should run out to him. _No, stick to the plan._ When he finally came to the front of the tree, and I could feel the warmth of his touch through the rough bark, he spoke.

"Oh, where could Ernst be?" he asked aloud. It was time.

I took a deep breath, and forced my legs to carry me around the tree and face Hanschen. By the time I got there, he was leaning up against the tree, looking so seductive I could hardly breathe. I tried to match his face, hoping that I would have the same effect on him as he did on me.

"Why hello Ernst," his sultry voice growled. That was all it took. I could feel the seductive gaze leave my face, and every ounce of confidence leave my body. How did he do that?

"H-h-hanschen." Why was I stuttering?!

"Well," he had such an amazing way of making any word music to my ears, "I guess we should start studying, shouldn't we?"

Studying? Had he just said _studying?_ We were actually going to study? Maybe this was all just a cruel joke…

Only when my eyes hit the ground did I realize that I hadn't brought any school books. I had intended to bring them, for cover of course, but had completely forgotten in the anticipation. I told him quietly, keeping my eyes on the ground.

"Ernst," he said disbelievingly, "you forgot to bring your schoolbooks on a day we planned to study?" He met my eyes and, even in this mortifying situation, he held them.

"Y-yes," I hung my head.

"Oh, Ernst," was it just me, or did he look amused now? "I guess we're just going to have to find something else to do…"

I stared back at him. Had this been his plan all along? What was he doing? My head was spinning.

It was then that I noticed the button.

The top button of his shirt had been left unbuttoned, or perhaps it had come unbuttoned before. Either way, it was open. I couldn't help but stare longingly at the tiny fraction of his smooth chest. _Ohhh…_

All of a sudden, I heard my name. He had been talking to me. Only Hanschen's incredible body could distract me from his amazing voice.

"Huh?" I noticed him looking towards a grapevine near us. "Oh, sure." I still wasn't quite sure what he was asking, but I prayed that that was the right answer.

He picked a grape from the vine and held it to my lips. In a trancelike state, I numbly opened my mouth. The grape disappeared. All that I was aware of was Hanschen's fingers touching my lips. He let his hand fall back to his side. I thought he was laughing. His tongue slowly traced his lips, and only then did I realize where the grape had disappeared to: inside my mouth. I chewed and swallowed, not able to take my eyes off of his.

"Not a big fan of grapes?" he seemed to be asking.

"They're fine-I mean great-I mean…is it getting hot out here?" What was I saying?!

"Not where I'm standing. Why don't you come sit in the shade next to me?" _Next to me_. I thought I knew what that meant. The last time he had told me to sit down next to him I had turned to mush at his touch. If I wanted to be the one to make the first move, I only had a few crucial moments before he took control of me. With these thoughts in mind, I cautiously sat down next to him.

He didn't look at me. Instead his eyes were fixed on something in the distance. Whatever it was, he looked interested in it. I followed his lead, and picked my own object in the distance to stare at. Too bad I couldn't focus enough to notice what it was.

As I was trying my hardest not to look at the perfect being next to me, I suddenly felt a touch on my leg. I whimpered when I realized that it was his leg, resting on mine. I bit my lip, trying to keep control, but not able to keep our legs out of my peripheral vision. I watched his hand fall casually to his leg, and then slowly make its way towards mine. When his hand hit my thigh, I lost it. I let out a soft moan.

"Ohhhh…." If I didn't do it now I would lose any shred of confidence I might have had left.

"Hanschen?" I asked carefully.

"Yes?" His golden hair gleamed as he turned to face me. We were so close. All of a sudden I felt a desperate need. My lips _had_ to be pressed against his. Now.

I squeezed my eyes shut, and, before I could give myself time to think, I forced my face forward until I felt his lips on mine. After a few short seconds, blissful for me, but, I was convinced, boring for Hanschen, I retreated. It was a few seconds before I could even open my eyes and face him.

"Was that okay?" I asked. Stupid, stupid. Hanschen never second-guessed himself.

"That was fine, especially for someone so…inexperienced." Why did he have to remind me of how much experience he had? Suddenly I was curious about just how much.

"So you have a lot of…experience?" I asked quietly, silently cursing myself for making him recall past flings.

"Some of course. A lot of it is…" He leaned forward. His hand remained on my leg, and he pressed the other one into the ground right behind me. "…instinct. But you know there's only one way to gain experience."

He was so close. I could feel his hot breath against my skin, and his fingers, ghostlike, creeping closer and closer. The need returned, and I couldn't keep my eyes off his lips, so near to mine. Just when I thought I couldn't control myself any longer, he did the job for me.

My lips melted into his instantly. He leaned my back into the ground, and our bodies were in perfect synch. Between deep, incredible kisses, he removed first my shirt, then his. I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't gasp in surprise and stop him again. I had never figured out why that had stopped him last time.

Maybe he didn't love me, but I sure loved him. In that moment, I had an urgent desire to tell him. He needed to know that I loved him. I needed to tell him.

I placed a hand on his chest to stop him, just for a moment, despite the fact that breaking the kiss physically hurt me.

"Hanschen," I started, breathing erratically.

There was a look of panic on his face. I hadn't known Hanschen was capable of fear. I immediately regretted stopping him.

He threw himself back into the kiss forcefully, almost hurting me with his intensity. It was _amazing._ Suddenly I no longer regretted my interruption.

Out of nowhere, I felt myself being tossed aside. Vertigo took over my body. My brain was still tumbling from Hanschen's touch. Why had he thrown me away? I thought everything was going well. As I lay there, dumbly, I watched Hanschen race to get his shirt on and buttoned. I turned my head in confusion, and then I saw him.

"Melchie?" I asked. "When did you get back?"

Melchior had run away from the reformatory a few days after Wendla's funeral. I had been missing him greatly. He was the one person I really considered my friend. Since we were neighbors, we often walked to and from school together. I had confided in him my feelings for Hanschen, and he had not told me it was wrong. He had _understood_, even if he didn't approve.

Melchie had told me that he didn't like Hanschen, that he would take advantage of me. I had argued that Hanschen was a good person. Melchie didn't believe Hanschen was capable of love. I did. Despite all of this, I still appreciated that Melchior had been my friend through it all, and hadn't judged me.

I stood up weakly and hugged Melchie. As glad as I was to see him, I was anxious to get back to Hanschen.

"So…" my friend asked, glaring at Hanschen, "what have you two been doing?"

I couldn't wait to tell him. "Well," I started happily, "we…"

"We were just talking," Hanschen cut me off. "We were having a nice conversation, that is, until you interrupted." He looked angrily at Melchior. Why wouldn't he let me tell my friend? Was he ashamed of me?

"Well, I'm on my way home now," Melchior said, "I know that Ernst's house is way out of your way Hanschen, and I live right next door. I could walk Ernst home. That is, if you were just talking." I had to smile at Melchior's attempts. His intentions were good, and I knew Hanschen would never agree to it. Melchie would leave soon enough and then we could get back to our…conversation.

"That would be very kind of you, _Melchie_." What? Was Hanschen really going to let Melchior take me away from him? I stared into his eyes discontentedly.

"I guess we shall continue our _conversation_," even I knew what he meant by that, "at a later date."

He held out his hand, as if for a handshake. I took it, and he actually wanted a handshake. As if I wasn't confused enough, he began to trail my finger with his thumb, setting my skin ablaze with such a simple touch.

We came towards Melchie, who moved between us quickly. We made our way down the road like that, Melchior standing between Hanschen's sudden professionalism and my confused mind. As we walked, I asked Melchior questions about where he had been, but I wasn't really listening to his answers. At last, we came to the fork in the road.

"Nice to see you again, Ernst. Melchior." I hated that he suddenly sounded like a lawyer.

"Hanschen," Melchior said coldly. "Have a nice night."

"Goodnight Hanschen," I offered quietly as we went our separate ways.

We walked in silence until Hanschen was out of earshot. Then Melchior looked at me accusingly.

"Ernst, what did I tell you about Hanschen?"

"Melchie," I complained, "You don't know him the way I do."

"You don't know him, Ernst! He's just taking advantage of you!" I should have known this was coming.

"But he won't! Melchie, I love him!" I hadn't meant to tell him, not like this anyway. It had just blurted out.

"Damn it, Ernst!" he was yelling now. "What is he doing to you?"

"I'm sorry, Melchie, but I can't help it," there were tears threatening to spill from my eyes as I looked at him meaningfully. "I really love him."

"How many times have you…talked?" He was growing increasingly more frustrated.

"Talked, or…?" I trailed off, knowing that he knew what we had been doing today. He just looked at me with a mixture of anger and worry.

"This was the third time," I said quietly.

"And how far did it go?" I could tell he was trying to control his voice, as we were approaching our houses.

"We just kissed." It almost felt like a lie, because it had been so much more than that to me.

"You were shirtless." As if he needed to remind me how close it had gotten.

"It just sort of happened. But…um…that's… all that came off…" Even with Melchie, who I considered my best friend, I felt very uncomfortable talking about this.

He sighed, obviously not done talking to me, but we had reached my house and the discussion was getting difficult to continue.

"Just…be careful," he said, giving up the battle but not the war.

"I will. And Melchie?" I stopped him as he began to walk away.

"Yes, Ernst?"

"I'm glad you're back home." I meant it.

He half-smiled, and appeared a whole lot more like the Melchie I knew. "Me too."


	5. Hungry: Ernst

Sorry it's been a little while. Thank you so much for the amazing reviews! They make me incredibly happy :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did, Jonathon Groff, Andy Mientus, and Gideon Glick would all owe me favors. Swoon…

Ernst

"Ernst, wake up…" I was being shaken gently. I smiled and rolled over.

"Five more minutes?" It was my wedding day, and I was marrying Hanschen. Melchie was my best man.

"But, Ernst, darling, you have to get up and get dressed. It's almost time for church," my mother's voice, usually soothing, seemed almost rough as it pulled me from my perfect dream back into reality. I sighed and pulled back the warm covers.

I put on my suit begrudgingly. I always felt so stiff wearing it, as if I could never possibly be myself while wearing it, but Mother made me go to church in it every Sunday. The white of my shirt matched my pale skin almost perfectly, and I looked almost like a ghost when I looked in the mirror.

* * *

I felt a wonderful sense of happiness wash over me as we approached the church. It was a beautiful building; the architecture was simple and elegant, and the stained glass windows gave it the perfect touch. This morning I felt uncharacteristically at ease as I took my seat in the front pew with my parents. Hanschen and I hadn't done _anything_ in my dream last night! We had only gotten as far as the vows, and so, for once, I didn't feel guilty and hypocritical about coming to church.

I kneeled to pray for a few moments and talk one-on-one with God. I was feeling so peaceful when I suddenly heard a voice next to me, angelic but at the same time incredibly devilish. "Is this seat taken?"

I turned to see Hanschen, standing at the end of the pew with two adults who I had to assume were his parents. His father was tall, and handsome in a fading way that assured me of the fact that in his younger years he had been just as striking as Hanschen. His mother was short, and both Hanschen and his father dwarfed her. She was pretty in a gentle, matronly way, with soft, blond hair and even softer blue eyes.

My mind could not form words as it registered what Hanschen was asking. "I'm sorry," Hanschen's mother added, "I'm afraid there is nowhere else to sit."

"Of course, welcome!" my father said jovially. "Ernst, what's wrong with you?"

The Rilow family slid into the pew, Hanschen, of course, coming next to me. Immediately I was torn between the longing I felt and the guilt I felt for longing. How would I make it through a whole hour of church with Hanschen right there? Miserably I sat back down.

He settled comfortably into the pew letting his shoulder rest against mine. Casually he glanced towards his parents, then mine before leaning towards my ear and whispering, "Hello, Ernst."

I bit my lip and tried to ignore the shivers that his voice sent down my spine. I had to keep control. He smiled seductively and quickly looked me up and down before turning to face the altar.

As hard as I tried, I could not focus on what the pastor was saying. My mind's eye saw all of my previous meetings with Hanschen, and what we would be doing right now if we were alone. I gulped at the fantasies and willed them away so hard I thought I might cry. All in vain of course. Hanschen was still there next to me and there wasn't a thing I could do to change that.

About halfway through the service, I felt Hanschen's fingertips touching mine. He smiled maliciously at my slight yelp, but quickly pulled away when my parents glanced at me worriedly. I tried to smile reassuringly but I wasn't sure how well it came out. A few moments later his fingers were back, and I tried to keep as cool as I possibly could to avoid any more disturbances.

After what felt like days of losing my mind, the closing hymn finally came. Hanschen and his family disappeared from the pew before the end of the song without so much as a goodbye. As relieved as I was that I was finally free, I had a looming sense of disappointment as well. With a sigh I led my family out of the pew and through the door of the church.

It was a lovely morning. There was not a cloud in the sky and the cool breeze complimented the mild summer heat perfectly. The grass was green and soft beneath my feet and I wished to go home so that I could take my shoes off and run barefoot outside. Just as it seemed I was about to get my chance, my parents were approached by Herr and Frau Gabor. Melchior, of course, was not with them, and I wondered if he had convinced his parents to let him stay home or had simply feigned illness like he used to.

My father was very good friends with Herr Gabor, so I sighed and sat in the grass, preparing myself for a long wait. After a few minutes of boredom, I looked out at the other people conversing around the church. Only then did I see the Rilow family, walking steadily towards us.

I was painfully aware of the fact that Hanschen was the most perfect being I had ever laid eyes on. His blonde hair blew in the gentle breeze, messing it up in a way that only made it look more amazing. The sunlight made his blue eyes sparkle beautifully but, now that church was over, he had rolled up his sleeves, revealing the muscles which made him _oh so_ masculine. I wanted him so badly I could barely breathe.

I gulped and stood when they arrived. Hanschen's father was smiling widely, and he approached my father confidently, sticking out his hand when both my father and Melchie's paused.

"I don't think we've been formally introduced," he said after a firm handshake. "My name is Rolf Rilow. My son Hanschen goes to school with your Ernst."

"Ah!" My father acknowledged Hanschen and his parents with a nod. "I hear our boys have been studying together."

As Hanschen's parents joined the adult conversation, Hanschen approached me. He held out his hand professionally for a handshake. This was only the second time it had happened, but I already hated shaking his hand. I couldn't take my eyes off of his, blank and serious. Suddenly he clasped my hand tighter and took off running, with me tripping behind him.

I glanced back at the adults who had turned to look at something in the other direction. Hanschen seemed to be leading me around the church, running swiftly and not letting go of my hand.

"Hanschen," I was breathing heavily already, "what are you doing?"

"Just be patient," his voice wasn't at all affected by the running, "I need to…tell you something."

We ran until we arrived behind the church, and when he stopped I practically ran into him. He paused only a moment, gazing at me seductively before kissing me hungrily.

Oh my God this was amazing… but wrong! We were at church and…oh but Haschen…I moaned unwillingly.

"Hanschen…" I mumbled through his lips.

"Yes?" he asked as if there was nothing unusual happening. His lips left mine and assaulted my neck, making it even harder to concentrate on what I was trying to say.

"What…wwhat are you ddoing?" my mind was barely able to form words.

He let his lips travel to my ear and whispered, "What does it look like I'm doing?" before returning his mouth to mine. He ran his fingers through my hair, pulling me deeper into the kiss.

"Bbbut…" I pulled away, but there were barely centimeters between our lips. I whispered nervously. "Hanschen…we're at church."

He took my face in his hands and kissed me fiercely before whispering, "Does that bother you?"

"Yes…" I said, although there wasn't enough oxygen getting to my brain for me to remember why.

"Well, I'm sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all, "but after our little…interruption yesterday I'm afraid I didn't quite get my fill of you." He started unbuttoning my shirt, again as if he was doing nothing out of the ordinary. "And then to have to sit through that agonizing service, plagued with the image of your body hidden by this shirt…" he finished the buttons and opened up my shirt dramatically. "There, that's better."

I gulped as he snaked an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. As hard as I tried, I could not bring forth another protest. Smiling at my silence, he leaned in and kissed me again.

Completely and totally lost in his lips, I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck. He responded by tightening his arms around me. I had lost everything but my hormones and what few instincts I had to begin with. These seemed to control my hands as I shakily began to unbutton his shirt. Once he noticed what I was doing he smiled in surprise and removed his hands from my waist to stroke my neck and chest, as if to egg me on.

When finally I finished the buttons, I tentatively placed a hand on his chest, unsure of what to do. He broke the kiss to laugh evilly before doing the same, then sliding his hand down to rest just above my belt. I thought I would scream when he stifled it roughly with yet another kiss.

His hand was still dangerously close to my zipper. I let mine instinctively rise to his cheek. Suddenly, both his hands were at my belt, pulling it out with graceful force. A yelp and a moan caught in my throat at the same time. Did he have a plan or was this all spontaneity? I could remember that I had an issue with the location, but _what was it_? I certainly remembered why I wanted him to keep going…

I tried to emulate him, working his belt out of his pants. It didn't work well. The belt stuck, and I gave a frustrated sigh, sure I had ruined the moment. He threw his head back and laughed, pulling it out for me. With the oxygen came some understanding. We were at church… our parents were nearby…

The understanding disappeared when his lips returned to my neck. I didn't care where we were or what time it was or even if we got caught. All that mattered were his lips on my neck, the love in my heart, and our belts on the ground.

He collected his lips and moved as if to kiss me again, but my instinct kicked in and I leaned into him, pressing my lips to _his_ neck. He moaned gently, and I loved the feeling of being in control. When I pulled away, suddenly afraid of the power, he looked into my eyes with an emotion foreign to his face. He looked confused, blissfully happy, slightly frustrated, and even a little afraid. He half-smiled, and inched in slowly, assuring me that the next kiss might possibly be the sweetest of my life. In the forever before our lips met, we both heard voices calling in the distance.

"Ernst?" My mother.

"Hanschen? Where did you go, son?" Herr Rilow.

He sighed, and I whimpered, both of us looking into each other's eyes painfully. We stood for a moment, my arms around his neck, his around my waist, and I bit my lip childishly. I watched him close his eyes and moan quietly before removing his arms and reaching for his belt. His clothing was back on as swiftly as it had come off, and I began to do the same carefully.

"We'll be right there," he called back. "We just went for a walk."

He straightened the collar on my shirt and fixed my hair with his fingers. Our eyes locked, and he kissed me gently, pulling away far too soon. Taking my hand he began to lead me back around the church, but he dropped it as we were intercepted by our priest.

Hanschen cleared his throat. "Father," he said casually.

"Young Rilow," he almost looked suspicious, "and Roble too. What might you be doing?"

"Just going for a walk, Father," Hanschen was back to his stagnant, professional alter ego. Father eyed us carefully. I tried not to let the fear in my heart show in my eyes. When he finally walked away, I let out the breath I had been holding in. Hanschen looked at me wordlessly and almost smiled, continuing forward and beckoning me to follow him. We met our parents, and went our separate ways. The pleasantness of the day, at least for me, ended there.


	6. Hungry: Hanschen

I was excited to write this chapter. You'll see why soon. I hope I didn't jump too fast with Hanschen's character. I have plans… *evil laugh* Please let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did, I would own Hanschen Rilow. Redundant, I know, but this fact particularly depresses me.

Hanschen

I awoke that morning craving Ernst, the same way you might crave chocolate, or cold water on a hot day. I hadn't known it was possible to desire one person that way. Quickly I tried to shake off the feelings. Jumping out of bed, I threw myself on the ground and started doing pushups. It was still early, and I had time before I had to get ready for church. The physical activity was a good distraction.

After allowing myself to sweat out any sentimentality in my body, I got into a cold shower. The water felt hard, unfeeling. Pleasant. I let the water wash away my insecurities.

By the time Mother came in to wake me for church, I was already dressed in my church khakis and a crisp white shirt. She didn't seem too surprised to see me up. I had never been one to sleep very much and I had been particularly restless lately.

* * *

We walked to the church, as usual. It was a pleasant morning, and happiness tugged at the corners of my mind. I snorted lightly at the thought. Happiness.

I entered the church in a strange, pensive mood. Automatically I scanned the crowd. I noticed Ernst sitting in the front pew with his family. He was kneeling in prayer. I smiled at his innocent piety before glancing around for an empty pew. There were none.

_Perfect_.

"There seems to be some room in the front pew," I casually whispered to my parents.

"Oh, well I wouldn't want to intrude," Mother said. She was such a pushover.

"Don't worry," I rolled my eyes, "The kid's a…friend of mine from school."

My father ushered her along, happy to have a prospective seat. We approached the pew, and Ernst was still praying.

I tried to control my voice for my parents' sake, but I couldn't extinguish every ounce of the natural seductiveness it held. "Is this seat taken?"

He looked up at us with wide eyes. Eyeing me and my parents with his mouth slightly ajar, he seemed unable to speak.

"I'm sorry," Mother added, "I'm afraid there is nowhere else to sit." I sighed impatiently.

"Of course, welcome!" Ernst's father answered for him. "Ernst, what's wrong with you?" I smiled to myself, knowing just exactly what was wrong with him.

I came into the pew first, sitting myself next to Ernst and letting my shoulder touch his. Checking to make sure both sets of parents were distracted, I leaned in and whispered seductively, "Hello, Ernst."

Shuddering, he bit his lip, and desire overcame me. I silently wondered if I was capable of sitting like this for an hour. _Of course I was capable_, I angrily shot back at myself. My self control was one of my many perfect attributes. I tried to camouflage my falter with a seductive glance before turning around to face the altar.

I didn't have any trouble pretending that I was paying attention to the service. I never really listened to the priest, so I was a master at the art of looking interested. Still, I grew bored as I did every week. But today was different. Today, I was sitting next to Ernst.

I gradually moved my fingers so that they just touched his. He yelped in surprise, and I smiled in amusement. When I heard a slight gasp from his mother, I quickly pulled away, turning it into a game. His parents looked towards him with confusion and worry, but when they turned away I brought my fingers back. This time he stayed quiet.

We sat like that for the rest of the service, and the contact began to drive me insane. Even just his fingertips were brewing a strange sort of lust inside me (it _was_ lust, I found my brain convincing my body). I wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to…caress him? What was wrong with me today?

As the closing hymn began to play, I followed my family out of the pew. My father had never been a fan of music, so we would often leave in the midst of the final song. I was relieved for escape and distraction from the feelings Ernst had spurred in me.

We made it outside, but it was soon obvious my father had no intention of leaving quickly. "Who was that family we were sitting with?" he asked me. He had an annoying habit of wanting to know everyone.

"The Robles," I said bluntly. "I go to school with Ernst."

"We should introduce ourselves," he said to my mother. Wonderful.

My father's keen eyes spotted them across the church yard, but not before mine had found them and stared at Ernst for a good two minutes. He was sitting in the grass, looking more childish than ever. I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt without thinking and regretfully walked with my family to meet them.

When we arrived, Ernst stood up clumsily. I saw that his parents were talking to a couple whom I recognized as the Gabors. My father waited until both men paused and acknowledged him to delve into the conversation.

"I don't think we've been formally introduced," my father stuck his hand out, "My name is Rolf Rilow. My son Hanschen goes to school with your Ernst."

"Ah!" Herr Roble said, "I hear our boys have been studying together." My mother gave me an interested glance. I knew she had been curious as to whom I had been "tutoring."

As my parents joined Ernst's and Melchior's, I approached Ernst. I held out my hand for a handshake. I could do this. I would just shake his hand and make polite, professional conversation until I could leave.

All of a sudden, I was acutely aware of the fact that I couldn't do this. The touch of his hand brought more desire coursing through my body. Just a quick fix was all I needed to get me through the rest of the day. I waited until the adults turned to look at something in the opposite direction before clasping his hand and running away.

He was anything but graceful as he tripped after me. I needed to find a place where we could be alone, just for a few minutes. _Behind the church_. I ran faster, happy for a place to go.

"Hanschen, what are you doing?" He was already out of breath.

"Just be patient," I said, "I need to…tell you something."

Finally, we got there, and I stopped abruptly. There wasn't a soul in sight. I smiled to myself as he bumped into me. I let him catch his breath for a quick moment before I couldn't hold out any longer. I moved closer to him and without a word kissed him passionately.

At last, I was feeding my desire. As the kiss grew, I knew there was something different happening. I couldn't place it, it was just different. Simultaneously it made me want more and want to run away. But my hormones were on the wanting more side.

"Hanschen," he said quietly, without breaking the kiss.

"Yes?" I asked, removing my lips from his to avoid the new feeling and kiss his neck.

"What…wwhat are you ddoing?"

Bringing my lips to his ear I whispered, "What does it look like I'm doing?" Now I wanted the feeling back. Why was that?! I gave in to desire before I gave myself time to think about it. I ran my fingers through his hair automatically.

Surprisingly, he gently pulled away. "Bbbut… Hanschen, we're at church."

His nervous whispering only prompted me to take his face in my hands and kiss him again. Then, looking into his eyes, I whispered, "Does that bother you?"

"Yes…" he said.

"Well I'm sorry," I said, "but after our little…interruption yesterday I'm afraid I didn't quite get my fill of you." I went after his buttons in attempt to chase the lust. "And then to have to sit through that agonizing service, plagued with the image of your body hidden by this shirt…" I silently hoped that I didn't sound too much like I needed him as I opened his shirt. "There, that's better."

He speechlessly gulped as I wrapped an arm around his waist. When he didn't speak, I took advantage of the silence and kissed him again.

I tightened my arms around him, trying desperately to keep it physical. He seemed to read my mind as he began to unbutton my shirt. In happy surprise, I trailed my fingers along his body, hoping to turn him on enough to make him keep going.

When my shirt was completely unbuttoned, he confusedly placed a hand on my chest. I couldn't help but laugh before placing my hand on his chest, then moving it slowly downwards to just above his pants, and then roughly throwing my lips onto his again.

He gently moved his hand to my cheek, and the tenderness of it drove me to remove his belt. He made a strange noise which I ignored, and then reached for my belt, but he seemed to have some trouble getting it out. Laughing again, I pulled it out for him, kissing his neck so that he could catch his breath.

His actions were making it easy for me to focus on the lust. Feeling confident again, I went to kiss him, but before I could his lips were at my neck. What was he doing? I had never seen him like this before. I moaned gently, confused at how pleasing his taking control was. It was such a strange sensation, being seduced by this wisp of a boy, but it almost made me…happy.

Suddenly he pulled away, and looked into my eyes questioningly. I was feeling so many things in that moment, but I had no idea which of them showed through as I stared back. All I knew was that I longed to kiss him. As I leaned in slowly to do so, I heard our parents calling our names in the distance.

I sighed and looked into his eyes in frustration and disappointment. After a few short moments, I removed my arms from their position around him and began to redress myself, calling something back to our parents. He followed my lead, but when he was finished, he looked ridiculous. His shirt and hair were horribly askew. I fixed his shirt and combed his hair with my fingers.

Despite my better judgment, I looked into his eyes, and I had no choice but to gently kiss him once more. Sighing, I pulled away, knowing that it was time to leave. I took his hand for a moment, pulling him towards the direction of our parents. Before we saw them, however, we ran into the priest.

I dropped his hand quickly, facing Father squarely. "Father," I addressed him.

"Young Rilow," he said carefully, "and Roble too. What might you be doing?"

"Just going for a walk, Father," I said dryly. He looked at us for a moment, and I tried to ignore the pang of fear I felt that he might suspect something. Finally, he walked away from us. I could tell Ernst had been scared too. Dissatisfied, I walked back to where our parents were waiting, with him walking slowly behind me.

It wasn't until later that day when I had calmed down that I realized what had been different this time. My heart had been beating about ten times its normal speed.


	7. Interrogated: Hanschen

Hey everyone (or anyone who is left after my month long hiatus). Sorry it's been so ridiculously long. Life has been insanity this month. I really hope that time hasn't made anyone lose interest in the story. Reviews make my life. Keep 'em coming :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. I do not own Spring Awakening. I do not own Spring Awakening…

Hanschen

I awoke that morning after a very strange dream about Ernst. We were standing outside in a gentle rain. I kissed him softly and danced with him, humming, as the rain soaked us through. A very strange, unwelcome sensation was coursing through my veins, and it lingered long after I woke up. Although my constant thinking of him was scaring me, I had started to grow accustomed to it. As long as I could keep telling myself it was just a strong physical attraction and nothing more, I could keep calm and almost believe it.

I went through the morning numbly; showering, getting dressed, walking to school. I tried to ignore Ernst's excited, nervous smile as I walked in the classroom. I spent the day staring at the back of Ernst's head, making plans for after school. Against my better judgment, I began to think about his eyes, his smile, his laugh, even his stutter. To distract myself, I thought of how good he looked shirtless, and that image kept me occupied until the end of the day.

When we were finally dismissed, I casually sauntered toward him, ready to pounce as soon as we were alone. But just as I opened my mouth to speak, I saw Melchior walking defiantly over to Ernst and putting a hand on his shoulder. I growled angrily at him, but smiled smugly when Ernst shivered. Melchior looked between me and Ernst before sighing and speaking gruffly.

"Hanschen, may I speak with you privately?" his voice was controlled, and he was shaking with the effort.

"What could we possibly have to talk about?" I asked suspiciously. This had to be a trap.

He glanced at Ernst before reluctantly saying, "Please. It's important."

Taken aback by his civility and being eaten alive by curiosity, I gave in. "I suppose."

Melchior nodded and removed his hand from Ernst's shoulder, gesturing toward the door. Ernst glanced at me with wide eyes and waited for me to nod before leaving quietly.

"Would you like to sit?" Melchior asked awkwardly.

"I'll stand." I wanted to be out of there as soon as possible.

"Suit yourself." There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Well, Gabor," I asked impatiently, "what is it that you want to discuss?"

"Ernst," he said matter-of-factly, "As his best friend I feel it is my responsibility to figure out your…intentions."

"My intentions?" What was he trying to pull?

"Yes." He was being completely serious. "What exactly are you planning on doing with Ernst?"

"Well…" I smiled knowingly at him, raising my eyebrows.

He walked up to me angrily. "What about commitment?"

"Commitment?" My voice cracked. "What…what do you mean?"

I could see he was caught between distress at my obvious discomfort at the idea of commitment and the pleasure of watching me struggle.

"Well, do you love him?"

My voice caught. "Oh, uh, well…"

"That's what I thought," he said grimly. "Do you have any intention of ever loving him?"

"Well I, um…"

He shook his head disapprovingly at me. "Why him?"

"Because…" I struggled trying to find some way to explain it without coming across as sentimental.

"Don't tell me it's just desire," he said flatly. "You wouldn't be going through all this trouble if it was."

"What on earth do you mean?" Great, now I had to convince both him and myself it was purely physical.

"Well, the whole forbidden love thing just causes more trouble for you. You are talking to me for him, so you must care about him."

"You don't know what you are talking about…"

"And if it was just physical you would have taken advantage of him and been done with him by now."

"I would never do that!" I burst out in a fit of anger. "I would never take advantage of him!" I covered my mouth with my hand quickly, completely unsure of where my defense had come from.

Melchior looked at me curiously. "So you do care about him."

I was completely flustered. "I…well…I mean… shut up!"

He shook his head at me. "Why are you so reluctant to admit it?"

"Because I don't! You know me well enough to know that I don't feel…" As much as I resented that reputation, I hoped it was a good enough defense.

"Oh, please! Don't try to play that. You and I both know that you are at least somewhat human…"

I shook off the insult easily but struggled to come up with a good argument. "Well if I took advantage of him I would scare him off and he would probably never talk to me… I mean be with me again. And…you know…desire… I want to make this last as long as I can…I mean I want to get everything I can out of him…" I crossed my arms defiantly desperately trying to read Melchior's expression.

He looked at me suspiciously before suddenly grinning in realization. "Oh, I think I see. You're a virgin, aren't you?"

_Oh my God_. How could he possibly know? I thought I hid it so well…

"What? No… no I'm not. You are!" I shot back childishly. He suddenly grew very solemn and shook his head sadly.

I felt my eyes grow wide as I realized exactly what I had reminded him of. "Oh, um, sorry… I didn't mean to…" I mumbled looking at my feet.

"It's alright," he sighed, "let's just get back to talking about you." I nodded gratefully. "Judging by your defensiveness, I'm going to assume I am right and you are a virgin. So when this first started, you were just trying to get laid and thought he wouldn't put up much of a fight." I nodded again. "But what you didn't count on was falling in love with him."

He was really getting on my nerves. "How many times do I have to tell you I don't love him?"

Melchior rolled his eyes in annoyance but his expression changed quickly to a mostly convincing hopeful look. "So when you are done with him you will break his heart and then I can finally have him?"

I felt my eyes widen and the blood rush to my face as panic coursed through my body. "What…what do you mean?"

"I have always loved Ernst," his perfect poker face made him impossible to read, "but he has always loved you. If I let you hurt him then it will send him right into my arms."

I tried to blink back my worry and confusion. "You would let your best friend get hurt just so you could get with him?"

He held his hand out and smiled smugly. "Do we have a deal?"

Anger suddenly the dominant emotion I slapped his hand away. "No! You are a disgusting excuse for a human being! I am never going to hurt him!" I backed away from him, slapping my hand over my mouth again.

His smile grew. "That's what I thought. I caught you."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You…you were lying…you are sick…"

"Well it worked, didn't it?"

I came a little closer cautiously. "Why are you pushing the issue so hard?"

"Because he loves you," he sighed, "and as much as I might not approve he is not going to be happy without you. So it's my job to make sure you are going to make him happy."

I shook my head, muttering to myself, "Love doesn't make anyone happy."

A plethora of emotions flooded his face. "What do you mean?"

"Love only ends up hurting people," I said quietly, "You should know that better than anyone."

"I did get hurt," his voice was very controlled, "and, sure, I regret what I did to her because it resulted in her death. But never for a second can I make myself regret loving her."

I looked at him in disbelief. "How could you not? You got your heart broken."

"I did. But I am so grateful that she was a part of my life, even for such a short period of time. Love is an amazing, precious thing, and I will take it wherever I can get it."

I nodded grimly, not agreeing with him but unwilling to carry the conversation out any farther.

"You should tell him," he said quietly.

"I can't." I looked at the ground wishing I could be anywhere but there.

"Damn it!" he abruptly grew angry, "You have a chance at true happiness! Ernst has a chance to be truly happy! He loves you and you are to insecure and stupid to even admit to yourself that you love him too!"

I felt angry tears behind my eyes and furiously tried to blink them back. "Stop yelling at me! This isn't my fault!"

"Do you know how much I would give to have what you have? My chance is gone but yours isn't! Swallow your damn pride, stop being so afraid and just tell him!"

For the first time in my life, I was speechless. I had absolutely nothing to say. All I could do was glare at Melchior, angry for what he said but even more angry that he was right. We stood there for a few moments, glaring at each other wordlessly. Finally, I broke the silence.

"You can't really blame me for being…" I gritted my teeth, forcing the word out, "afraid."

"I know," he said, significantly calmer. He sighed reluctantly, "but I think you will get over it eventually. I think we are done here."

I nodded, exhausted, and walked to the door, with Melchior at my heels. I opened it to reveal Ernst pacing near the door. Trying not to smile too much, I quickly pulled him into a kiss, wrapping my arms tightly around him. After a few moments, I remembered Melchior and pulled away gently.

"Sorry," I said to a blushing, surprised Ernst, "I've been holding that in all day."

The three of us began to walk down the road. Holding Ernst's hand, I silently began to plan our escape. The first time Melchior got distracted, I ran off the road, pulling Ernst along behind me. I brought him to hide behind the first tree I saw and pushed him roughly against it, knowing it was only a matter of time before Melchior interrupted us.

"Hi," I said playfully, already only inches from his face.

"Hi," he whispered back, already breathing heavily.

Without another word I kissed him as hard as I could, knowing a seduction was not really necessary. Just as I was really getting into it and the feeling was coming back yet again we were interrupted by Melchior shouting from the road.

"Hanschen! Bring Ernst back here. I need to get him home."

I was quite dissatisfied, but I did not have the energy to put up a fight. I pressed my lips forcefully to his again, running my hands all over his body quickly. When I regretfully pulled away, the look on his face was priceless. He looked as pleased and satisfied and confused as I had ever seen him. As tempted as I was to kiss him again, I instead pulled him by the hand back to the road to where Melchior was waiting.


	8. Interrogated: Ernst

Without further adieu: Ernst's POV!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. Sigh.

Ernst

I gasped as I awoke that morning. I had been having a particularly sinful dream about Hanschen. It took me several moments even to catch my breath, but I eventually gained enough control to get out of bed and pray like mad. I would have kneeled like that, begging for mercy, if Mother hadn't come in after a few moments to make me get ready for school.

As the morning went on, I tried in desperate vain to forget the dream. But as hard as I tried, I could not get it out of my head. How could I, even in my dreams, think up something like that?

Melchie was waiting for me when I stepped out of my front door, smiling warmly. As happy as I was to see him, there was really only one person I longed to be with that morning. So I was grateful when peaceful silence gave way to casual, distracting conversation. Melchie was someone I could always count on to distract me just by talking, and he could always tell when I needed him.

From the moment we arrived at school I began looking for Hanschen. I knew that seeing him would just fuel the fire and make me relive the dream all over again, but I couldn't resist. A sudden wave of panic struck me as I realized _he wasn't there!_ I felt sure I wouldn't make it through the day without being able to see him. Near tears, I looked to Melchie for comfort, but he was glaring in the direction of the door. I followed his gaze only to see Hanschen walking slowly into the classroom.

Happiness swept over me for one wonderful moment. But, suddenly, his walk became too much for me. _Why was he walking so slowly?_ I could see his muscles rippling through his shirt and desire washed away every other emotion. He was perfect, and now I was faced with the task of sitting in front of him all day.

Without meeting my eyes, he sat at his desk. He didn't talk to me all day, but I could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of my head as the agonizing hours dragged. Finally, we were dismissed.

I turned toward Hanschen, who was casually closing the few steps between us. I was quivering with anticipation of what was coming. The expression on his face was so seductive I was ready to collapse into myself at any moment. I only hoped that he would catch me when I did. He was so close, and I knew without looking that everyone else had left the room.

Suddenly I felt the touch I had been longing for, but something was wrong. It felt different, friendly, and from the opposite direction of Hanschen. I turned my head to see Melchie's hand on my shoulder. Hanschen growled angrily, which sent shivers down my spine. After an awkward silence, Melchie spoke.

"Hanschen, may I speak with you privately?" What was he doing? Why would he want to talk to Hanschen alone?

"What could we possibly have to talk about?" Hanschen asked.

"Please," Melchie glanced at me with concern, "It's important."

"I suppose," Hanschen said after a moment. I felt the blood drain from my face. Did he really just agree?

Melchie took his hand back and gestured toward the door. I glanced worriedly at Hanschen. As much as I respected Melchie, I knew that no matter what Hanschen told me to do, I would not be able to disobey him. Only after Hanschen nodded did I reluctantly leave.

I didn't go far. After trying as hard as I could to stay away, I reflexively pressed my ear to the door.

"What about commitment?" I heard Melchie's voice shout.

There was a pause where I assumed Hanschen was speaking too quietly for me to hear.

Melchie's strong voice rang through again, "Well, do you love him?"

I managed to hear a few muffled utterances from Hanschen, none of them saying he loved me. It wasn't a surprise; I mean I had always known that he didn't love me. But somehow hearing him unable to answer shot a sharp pain through my heart.

"That's what I thought. Do you have any intention of ever loving him?"

I gasped and pressed my ear closer into the door. Was it possible that I could have any hope for the future? Again I heard unintelligible mumbling, and my hopes were shut down again with another twinge to my heart. I pulled my ear away slowly, not wanting to hear any more, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to walk away. Suddenly I heard Hanschen's voice yelling, loud and clear.

"I would never do that! I would never take advantage of him!"

My heart skipped a beat. _He wasn't taking advantage of me!_ So did he… care about me? My head began spinning, and I missed several minutes of what I hoped wasn't important conversation.

I focused just in time to hear Hanschen say, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't love him?" I tried to harden my heart, tried to be happy that he at least cared about me a little.

"So when you are done with him you will break his heart and then I can finally have him?" My heart stopped this time. Had Melchie, my best friend, just admitted that he loved me the way I loved Hanschen?

Hanschen voice exactly what I was thinking, "What…what do you mean?"

"I have always loved Ernst, but he has always loved you. If I let you hurt him then it will send him right into my arms." _Oh my God_. Melchior really did love me. And all this time I had been hurting him, but now he wanted me to get hurt… a million different emotions zipped through my mind as I began to quietly hyperventilate.

Again, Hanschen's sweet voice seemed to ask exactly what I wanted to know. "You would let your best friend get hurt just so you could get with him?" That really didn't sound like the Melchie I knew and loved!

"Do we have a deal?"

Hanschen's angry voice met my ear. "No! You are a disgusting excuse for a human being! I am never going to hurt him!"

I gasped. Even in the horrible situation I was in I couldn't help forgetting all about it. _He is never going to hurt me_. My heart swelled and happy tears sprang to my eyes. I lost Melchie's next comment, but heard Hanschen's.

"You…you were lying…you are sick…"

"Well it worked didn't it?" So Melchie was lying? He didn't have those feelings for me? Relief took over my whole body.

I leaned my back against the door, exhausted from worry. It didn't help that I had barely gotten any sleep last night. As hard as I tried to stay awake, Melchie's voice, even now, was like a comforting lullaby, and I soon began to doze. After a few moments, I was quickly awakened by Melchie yelling.

"Do you know what I would give to have what you have? My chance is gone but yours isn't! Swallow your damn pride, stop being so afraid and just tell him!"

There was a long silence. Hanschen and Melchie both spoke a few more quiet words that I could not hear. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming towards me, and I stepped away from the door, and, feeling stupid just standing there, began to pace.

As soon as Hanschen stepped out the door, he grabbed me and kissed me out of nowhere. I melted immediately into his arms. Suddenly, he pulled away. "Sorry, I've been holding that in all day."

He took my hand and the three of us began walking down the road. After a few moments, he quickly pulled me away and ran with me to a nearby tree. His strong arms pinned me to the rough bark.

"Hi," he whispered seductively.

"Hi," I responded, melting even more and completely his slave.

Without another word he kissed me passionately, and the rest of the world fell away. All that mattered was _him_.

"Hanschen!" For once Melchie's voice was not welcome to my ears. "Bring Ernst back here. I need to get him home."

Sighing, he kissed me again hard, his hands wandering. Lower, lower they travelled, until they had touched every reachable inch of me. When he pulled away, I was feeling too much pleasure to even be fully disappointed he stopped. Laughingly he pulled me back to the road to meet Melchie.


	9. Betrayed: Ernst

Hey everyone! I am sorry it has been a couple of weeks. Blame finals not me. Anyway I have noticed that I have received a bit of a lapse in reviews. That may be my fault what with my month long hiatus and if that is true I apologize. But please please please let me know what I am doing right or wrong! There are only going to be one or two more chapters and I could really use the inspiration.

On a side note, this chapter physically hurt to write. You will see why, but before you go swearing off Hanschen, please read his point of view. It only makes it a little better but still…

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did there would be a lot more than one scene dedicated to Hernst…

Ernst

_Love?_

Melchior and I walked in silence only a few moments before the topic came up. The adrenaline was from my encounter with Haschen was beginning to wear off as I thought about what I had heard.

_He doesn't love me._

It was only after Melchie smiled sadly at me for a few moments that I realized I had lamented out loud. He put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "You heard that huh?"

I nodded quietly.

"How much did you hear?"

"Almost everything," I squeaked and a light blush came to my cheeks as I remembered what Melchie had said.

"Oh. Even what I…?" I nodded silently.

"I am sorry my friend," he sighed.

"It's alright," I tried to assure him. "But… well… it isn't true?"

He shook his head smiling softly. "No. I just wanted him to admit that he…" He sighed and looked at me for a long time. Then he uttered the most wonderful words I had ever heard him say. "I think he loves you."

After that, I heard nothing else. Melchie was very smart, especially when it came to love. If he thought Hanschen loved me then it had to be true!

I spent the rest of the night in a daze. Life was like a lovely dream which merely continued when I went to sleep. I dreamed of Hanschen the whole night, and the dreams weren't even sinful. They were simply of his face, of his love, of his gentle kiss…

Finally, it was morning. I didn't know what would happen after school that day. Honestly, I didn't care. I knew that it would be me and Hanschen and that was all that mattered. He didn't even have to tell me he loved me. I could wait forever for that, as long deep down I knew the truth. All I knew was that I was going to do whatever I could to make him happy.

Quickly I got ready for school. Once again Melchie was waiting for me outside my door. The whole way to school I chattered happily. I didn't even really know what I was saying, but I spewed any thought that entered my mind. The clouds looked so pretty and the flowers smelled so good and that one was the exact color of Hanschen's hair and the sky reminded me of his eyes… Melchie smiled patiently and listened.

When we came to the place where the two roads met, my eyes instinctively snapped up away from Melchie. The person I saw standing there was _Hanschen!_ I smiled widely and gazed at him for a few moments.

_I love him so much._

That was the only thought going through my mind. I glanced at Melchie, silently asking permission to go to him with my eyes. Melchie smiled and nodded. Grinning, I began to walk swiftly towards Hanschen.

He stiffened and began walking down the road, but away from me. _Where was he going_? I walked faster, hoping to catch up with him. He sped up even more, and I tried to keep pace. Finally, he broke into a run. I knew I couldn't keep up with him, so I called after him. He didn't even turn around.

I stopped dead in my tracks as the tears began to flow. Why didn't he want to see me? He had never run away from me before…a horrifyingly painful thought entered my mind. _Maybe he didn't love me. _I felt a hand on my shoulder as Melchie caught up to me. He pulled me into a comforting hug and let me cry onto him until I calmed down a little. Then, we slowly made our way toward the school building.

As we entered the classroom, I unwillingly felt my eyes darting to Hanschen. He glanced at me, and then stared blankly ahead. I tried desperately to keep the tears from flowing again as I sat in my seat.

"Class," Herr Sonnenstitch began, "today you will be running the mile in gym class. Please go to the locker room and change into your running uniforms."

The class collectively groaned as butterflies raced around in my stomach. I always hated the locker room. All of those boys _near naked_ around me was too much for me to handle. Not to mention the fact that I hardly measured up to any of them… physically…

I walked silently with Melchie to the locker room. Self-consciously, and in my attempt not to look at Hanschen, I retreated to a dark corner to change. I tried to keep my eyes down, but I couldn't help one glance at Hanschen. He didn't even notice because his eyes were glued to Bobby Mahler across the room.

So that was what this was about? I wasn't enough for him… my heart burned with jealousy, insecurity, and only a bit of anger. He was looking for someone else because I didn't satisfy him…

The tears began to come again as I hastily made my way out of the locker room. I waited with the other boys as Herr Sonnenstitch went over the trail and the requirements. Melchie inched next to me as I noticed that Hanschen was already running. My heart ached and I tried to focus on what the teacher was saying.

Finally, he started the stopwatch and we began to run. My pace was horribly slow, and I wished Melchie would leave me and run the mile for himself. But he didn't. He ran beside me the entire time, and I didn't trust myself to speak. When we were called in, we hadn't even finished the mile. Numbly I realized that the uncompleted mile would probably cause me to fail gym.

The rest of the day passed in a fog. I tried in vain not to think about Hanschen, and every time I slipped up I could feel my heart wrench. The tears were dangerously close to spilling over again. After what seemed like days, we were finally dismissed.

Herr Sonnenstitch was one of the first ones to leave the room, as usual. Before I could look for him, Hanschen was gone. Soon, the only ones left in the classroom were me and Melchie.

"Are you alright?" he asked gently. I shook my head, and my teary eyes met his comforting ones. We sat in silence for a long time. Finally, I broke the silence.

"He doesn't love me," I said quietly.

"You don't know that," he gently protested. "Maybe he is just afraid…"

I shook my head. "I am not enough for him."

He sighed and hugged me tightly. "Or maybe you are just too much…"

I didn't know what he meant, but I didn't have the strength or the will to ask. Instead, I sat quietly in his arms. In Melchie's arms, I finally felt safe. My heart was still broken, but I felt almost as if he absorbed a little of the pain for me. Knowing that he was there for me made me hurt just a little less.

After a long time, I pulled softly away, speaking quietly. "Can we go home?" I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep the pain away. He nodded silently and helped me out the door.

As we walked through the doorway, my eyes were immediately drawn to where Hanschen was standing near the woods. He was surrounded by girls and his lips were pressed firmly onto those of Thea's. My world crumbled around me as the image registered in my mind. I had thought my heart was broken before, but I realized painfully that it was very easily broken even more.

As horrifying as the scene was, I found myself unable to look away. I froze, staring, incapable of movement, for a very long time. Distantly I felt and heard Melchie next to me trying to get my attention, but I was in a trance. Only slightly aware did I watch as Thea slapped Hanschen and walked away.

Then he turned to look at me.

My heart wrenched again as I got caught in his gaze. I tried desperately to read his face, to figure out what he was thinking, but his expression was perfectly blank. After a few agonizing moments he turned and ran away.

As the distance increased between us, I felt myself starting to collapse. Thankfully, Melchie caught me in his strong arms and began supporting me home. Slowly we walked down the road, him supporting most of my weight. After ages of being slumped against him, at last I saw my house in front of me. He helped me through the door, and I silently prayed my mother was not home. I breathed a weak sigh of relief as I read the note on the kitchen table.

_Ernst,_

_Having tea with Frau Gabor. Please do your homework. I will be home soon._

_Love,_

_Mother_

Melchie skimmed the note before putting a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Ernst…"

"Please," I squeaked, barely audible, "I just want to be alone…"

He nodded sadly and left without another word. Weakly I made my way up the stairs and to my room, collapsing in my bed, the sobs wreaking havoc on my body.


	10. Betrayed: Hanschen

Hopefully this is IC. Please let me know!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. Sigh.

Hanschen

_Love?_

Melchior had told me, over and over, that I loved Ernst. How would he know? He didn't know anything about me! What was his problem?

These thoughts raced through my mind as I completed my walk home, alone.

It wasn't possible. There was no way that I could be in love with that _child_. Even now my heart softened as his image came to my mind. _No. No! _I had to figure out some way to prove to myself that I didn't love him…

My thoughts would not let me be as I spent a restless night trying to get some sleep. Every small bit of sleep, however, was met with a dream about _him_, and I was reflexively awakened to a nightmare of dark and silent night. The quiet was far too appropriate for thinking…

When the morning finally came, the bright sunlight poured in through my window and warmed my cheek, waking me abruptly from a dream of simply seeing his face. The warm feeling felt unwelcome, but strangely very fitting to the feelings the dream had stirred. Quickly, I got out of bed and jumped into an icy cold shower.

The rest of the morning passed similarly, and desperately I tried to numb myself to the rest of the world. I walked to school quickly and efficiently, but as I came to the fork where the two roads connected, I saw Melchior and, oh God, Ernst walking down the road. Ernst was chattering excitedly, about me I painfully assumed, and Melchior was listening intently with a rather amused expression. When Ernst spotted me, he stopped his in tracks, and his face broke out into a grin of pure happiness. He glanced at Melchior who nodded, and he broke away from him, beginning to walk toward _me._

Oh. My. God. There was no way I could face him right now. I had to stay away from him. The feelings that were brewing so strong inside me had to go away, and I was achingly aware of the fact that he was the cause of them. I took a deep breath and effectively put on a mask, a wall that I could retreat behind. All of a sudden everything became clear. It was so simple. Just walk away from him. I would just have to find a new plaything; that was all he was to me. The lie rang sweet and simple in my mind.

I began to walk curtly away, not looking back at him once. I could hear his footsteps behind me. I began to walk faster, faster, but still I heard him. Finally, I broke into a run. His strained voice called out to me, and the sound of it pierced my wall. _Was that a tear?_ Horrified, I felt the salty liquid slip down my cheek as I approached the school. I wiped it away and put on my mask again.

I sat at my desk, staring blankly into space. I looked up when I heard the door open, only to be met with a glare from Melchior and Ernst's reddened, tear streaked face. I averted my eyes before he could make eye contact.

"Class," Herr Sonnenstitch's voice provided a small distraction, "today you will be running the mile in gym class. Please go to the locker room and change into your running uniforms."

Damn… the locker room? I would now have to endure being so close to Ernst's nearly naked form. In any other situation I would consider this an asset, an opportunity to see that which I had not been able to undress yet, but the circumstances were different now.

The class as a whole let out a tired groan, and then each student reluctantly got up out of his seat and shuffled out the door. I kept my distance from everyone else as they joked and teased all the way to the locker room.

As the boys began to change my eye was all too quickly drawn to Ernst, who was glum and obviously self conscious in the corner as always. Desperately I glanced around the room for a distraction. My eyes fell on Bobby Mahler.

I will admit, Bobby was my first crush. I didn't know him very well. I had mostly liked him for his body. The first time I had seen him shower after gym I had nearly had a heart attack. That was when I was still…struggling with my sexuality. But when I had found him more attractive than any girl I had ever met, I gave up and embraced it.

I had considered trying to seduce him the way I had Ernst. Although I know it is hard to believe, I was not always a confident person. I went through a rather awkward stage around the time when I first started having _dreams_. It had started for me when I was much younger than the other boys, so I got over it fast. But either way Bobby hadn't seemed like the type to be easily seduced. I had more fantasies at the time of him seducing me.

As all of these thoughts whirled through my head, I had unwillingly zoned out on Bobby, who was changing across the room. When I suddenly came to, he was smiling awkwardly at me, and obviously he had noticed me staring. I tried desperately to control the blush that rose to my cheeks as I turned away.

I changed quickly and followed the other boys out of the locker room. As soon as I made it out the door I took off running. I knew the path we were supposed to run well. I passed Herr Sonnenstitch with his stopwatch at the starting line, not caring whether or not he was timing me. The air was cool for June; it was nice weather for running. Unfortunately I could not enjoy it. As I lapped the other boys, I tried to focus on ways that I could prove that I didn't… I shuddered at the thought. Quickly I reminded myself to put the mask back on. Again, it was so clear. _Find someone else_. It wouldn't be difficult to seduce another boy, what with my devastatingly good looks and irresistible charm. All that was left was to decide who the lucky boy would be.

_Bobby Mahler._

He would be the perfect distraction. He was certainly attractive enough… I peacefully slipped into making plans.

Although I was the first to finish the mile, I kept running until we were called in. Running helped me blow off steam and gave me time to plan for later. Vaguely I wondered if Bobby could feel my eyes as I watched him run, and wondered if that would have a negative or positive effect. Either way I figured Ern-Bobby would be rendered defenseless.

The rest of the day passed in a haze. Robotically I completed my class work and avoided any and all thought. Finally, we were dismissed.

I gathered my things and rushed out the door, waiting just around the corner of the school building. I was ready for the kill, and I silently waited for my prey. At last I saw him come out the door, alone. _Excellent_.

"Hello Bobby," I growled seductively as I revealed myself.

"Uh… hi Hanschen…" he glanced at me curiously. Good. He was completely unaware. This was going to be fun.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a question," I smiled slyly.

"Um…sure."

"Wonderful. Please sit." I glanced around and made sure everyone else had left before gesturing to the soft grass.

Cautiously he sat down. I casually sat next to him, letting my eyes drift away before snapping them back in his direction. "You know Bobby… I think you and I are a lot alike."

He met my eyes with what I was sure was shy intimidation. _How cute._ "How so?"

I shot him a charming smile and prepared for my speech. It wasn't exactly original… but I didn't doubt that it would work.

"Well you see… I like to look at the future as a pale of whole milk. One man sweats and churns his milk to butter, like Otto, for example. Another man frets, and spills his milk, and cries all night, like Georg. But me, well…" I let my hand slide toward his so that our fingers were brushing. "…I'm like… a pussycat. I just skim off the cream…" I inched my face closer to his. "What about you, Bobby? Are you a pussycat too?"

"What are you talking about…?" Well that wasn't the response I was expecting…but I could still make it work.

I leaned in closer and raised my eyebrows. "Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," I whispered.

His eyes grew wide and he pulled away. "I uh think I have to go…" I remained utterly speechless as he got up and hastily walked away. _How had that not worked?_ It had worked on… I pushed all thoughts of _him_ out of my mind.

What the hell was I supposed to do now? I was growing desperate for a distraction. Thoughts of Ernst were looming threateningly at the corners of my mind. I brought my hands to my head and tried in vain to shake the thoughts away.

Suddenly, I heard giggling. I glanced up and saw three girls from town, Anna, Thea, and Martha, skipping by. Girls were not my taste, but I was thoroughly desperate. Quickly I stood and approached them.

I must have looked very disheveled. Anna, who was my neighbor and, from what I could tell, an almost disgustingly caring person, spoke as soon as she saw me. "Hanschen Rilow? Are you alright?"

Without speaking I stalked directly up to them and grabbed the closest girl, who happened to be Thea, by the arm. Roughly I pulled her toward me and forced my lips onto hers.

_This was disgusting._

How could kissing a girl be appealing to anyone? She struggled forcefully but was no match for my strong grip. After a few short moments, I couldn't take it anymore and pulled away.

My cheek was immediately met by a hard slap. The expression on Thea's face was not one of pleasure, but of disgust.

"Ugh! What are you doing?" she exclaimed before darting away angrily, pulling each of her two friends by the hand.

Now I was dumbfounded. How had two people in a row resisted my advances? What was wrong with them?

After glaring after Thea for a few moments I turned back toward the school building. Instead of the welcome loneliness I was expecting, my eyes fell on Ernst, who was staring at me with his mouth agape. The look on his face was one of pure horror. Melchior was trying in vain to revive him, shaking him and calling his name, cursing me the whole time. After a few moments of staring, I broke away and ran all the way home with my head and heart pounding.


	11. Convinced: Hanschen

Sorry it's been so long again. It's really ridiculous considering how short these chapters are but oh well. I hope Hanschen's chapter at least is short and sweet :) Thanks for all the reviews! There is only one more chapter left and it's going to be long so hopefully it won't take too long…

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening, Hanschen, or Desdemona…

Hanschen

_Keep running._

Faster and faster I ran, anything to keep me from thinking, from feeling…

Right, left, right, left. My legs moved themselves in a mind numbing pattern. All too soon I saw the outline of my obnoxiously large house in the distance. _Must everyone know that we are disgustingly wealthy?_

I ran around the house a few times before I begrudgingly entered the front door. My parents were not home. They were never home. My father did nothing but work except on Sundays when he devoted the entire family to church and social activity. My mother did nothing but socialize. She was a very social person by nature and cared more about her status, I often felt, than about me, considering she spent all of her time at other people's houses.

No matter, I had come to prefer the solitude anyway. Especially on days like this when it was necessary. Quickly I climbed the stairs to my room, suddenly aware of what I needed.

_Desdemona_.

Desperately I rifled through the drawer where I had hidden the postcard. I hadn't so much as looked at her all week. Upon finding her, I quickly retreated to the familiar white tile walls of the bathroom.

I sat on the toilet like I had so many times before. From top to bottom I inspected her, waiting.

And waiting…

And waiting…

_Why wasn't this working?_

More carefully I looked at her, slipping my hand into my pants and under the waistband of my underwear.

"Have you prayed tonight Desdemona? You don't look like you're praying darling…"

_Nothing._

I examined her shoulder, her creamy thigh, her chaste knees.

_Nothing!_ Nothing was fueling the fire the way it used to. It simply wasn't working.

What was wrong with me?

Exhausted, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall, too tired to control my thoughts. What had changed within a week that prevented me from…?

With my eyes closed, a single image came to my mind.

_Ernst._

I felt a tear slip down my cheek at the thought of him. With my guard down, I let myself entertain the thought for a moment. Was it possible that I could really…love him?

I began to think about the time I had spent with him. The images began to make my heart pound and my head spin. The more I thought about him, the more nauseous I began to feel. There was something inside of me that needed to come out.

I quickly shoved myself off of the toilet and lifted the lid. My head was swimming, the thoughts crashing into each other in my head. Without warning the answer came to me just as I violently began to wretch into the toilet. Desdemona's picture fell from my hand, crumpled from frustration and ruined from sweat.

_I love him._


	12. Convinced: Ernst

Here's Ernst's part. It probably won't make you as happy as Hanschen's chapter but please review anyway…

Disclaimer: Technically Ernst's mom is mine… but Spring Awakening is not.

Ernst

I lay there sobbing for a very long time. I have no idea how long, it could have been hours. Eventually I heard a knock on my door, more of warning than asking permission. It wasn't long before my mother bustled happily in. My face was pressed into my pillow, so I didn't see her expression drop, but I could hear the change in her voice.

"Ernsty? What's wrong sweetheart?" her voice dripped with concern as she gently sat on the edge of my bed. I tried desperately to control my sobs. She put a motherly hand on my shoulder and waited. When the tears finally stopped flowing, I turned my head to look weakly at her.

"I am feeling very sick, Mother." Not exactly a lie, but I still felt horribly for deceiving her.

"What's the matter, baby?" she asked worriedly.

"It's…my stomach," I lied. "It hurts so badly…"

She gasped quietly. "Oh, my poor baby! Why don't I make you some tea? That always settles your stomach…"

Quickly she got up off the bed and made her way to the door. Before she left, she paused in the doorway, gazing at me with a motherly glow. Even though she worried about me when I got sick, I knew how much she loved taking care of me. Finally I heard her tread down the stairs.

As hastily as I could in my state I got out of bed and clambered to the bathroom and closed the door. At least in there I could hide my tears from her. The sobs started up again immediately.

I had never lied before. I had successfully lied to my mother…maybe I could lie to myself. I took a deep breath and choked a sob before concentrating all my energy on the lie.

_I don't love him, I don't love him, I don't love him…_

I tried as hard as I could to believe it, but I could not get him out of my head or my heart. What was wrong with me?

I told myself all of the reasons why I shouldn't love him. He didn't love me, he wasn't right for me, and he had broken my heart. All of these things were true and yet I knew I could not for one second deny the truth.

_I love him._


	13. Admitted: Ernst

Hey readers! Please read slowly and enjoy as this is the last Ernst chapter…please please let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I most certainly do not own Spring Awakening.

Ernst

I woke up the next morning curled around my pillow, which was wet with tears. I sniffled miserably before my mother opened the door the wake me up for school.

"Are you feeling any better this morning sweetie?" she asked worriedly.

I knew I could not go to school that day. I could not face him without bursting into tears; I couldn't even think about him without crying.

"No," I moaned convincingly. "I feel awful."

She came to my bedside quickly kissing my forehead. "You don't have a fever… is it still your stomach?"

I nodded weakly, unable to produce a vocal lie.

"Well there is no way I am letting you go to school like this," she said, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "Now why don't you go back to sleep?"

"Yes, Mother," I said gratefully as she quietly left. I let myself drift off to restless sleep.

Sometime later I was awakened by a timid knock on my door.

"Mom?" I called weakly. Who else could it be?

The door opened slowly to reveal the last person I expected and the last person I wanted to see. Hanschen stood in my doorway, looking as handsome and perfect as ever.

_What was he doing here?_ My eyes grew wide with horror and I felt my jaw drop against my will. He leaned uncomfortably against the doorway, one hand in his pocket, the other clutching a book and some papers to his chest.

"I brought your schoolwork," his voice was gruff and, could it be, nervous? Carefully he entered the room, glancing around silently before placing the books on my nightstand. Being so close to me, he finally caught my eyes for the first time. I blushed but again found myself unable to look away. With a trancelike look in his eyes he began to lean towards me, and I could practically feel his lips melting against my own.

_This could not happen._ He had broken my heart, and I could not let him take advantage of me again. He didn't care about me; he only wanted me, and, as much as I hated myself for it, I had to get rid of him before I fell completely under his spell again.

"No," I squeaked quietly.

"What, Ernst?" his voice was tired, gentle, so unlike the seductive growl I was used to.

"Nnno. Yyou have to llleave," I managed to stutter.

"But Ernst…I need to…"

I cut him off. "I dddon't ccare. Yyou bbroke my heart. Yyyou ddon't care about mme…"

He sighed, frowning. "But I…"

I mustered all my strength and shoved him as hard as I could away from me. He only moved back a few feet, but it was enough. He opened his mouth to speak again, but I quickly covered my ears. I was frighteningly aware of the fact that with a few sweet words I would be his again.

"I am nnot llistening…"

He put his hands over mine and gently tried to pull them away from my ears. I clung on desperately, digging my fingernails into my scalp to block out his voice. _Oh god, he was so close_. I squeezed my eyes shut and hummed a song to myself that used to comfort me as a child.

_I believe, I believe, I believe, oh I believe, all will be forgiven._

_I believe, I believe, I believe, oh I believe, there is love in heaven._

Everything fell away as, out of nowhere, I felt his lips press passionately into mine. I groaned miserably as my head began to spin and my heart began to pound. I was done for. He brought a gentle hand to my cheek and then pulled away.

"Sorry," he mumbled uncomfortably. "I just need you to hear me when I say this…" he took a slow, deep breath, and his barely audible voice sounded more like mine than his. "I love you."

My eyes shot open. "You what?"

He took my hand and looked deep into my eyes. His voice grew a little stronger, but it was still shaking. "Ernst, I love you."

Bliss shot through every inch of my body before skepticism and logic could beat it out. I didn't care that he could easily be lying, or that this power over me would make me even more vulnerable than before. All that mattered was that he had said he loved me.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I whispered weakly, "I love you too…"

He inhaled sharply as if he were in pain but smiled in tired happiness. With a shaking hand I timidly took hold of his collar and pulled him down into a kiss.

As soon has our lips touched something changed. A fiery passion came over both of us, and before I could think, my arms were wound tightly around his neck and he was on top of me on the bed, kissing me fiercely. My breath quickened as his lips slipped down to my neck.

_Oh my god…_I couldn't think about anything else. Hanschen was in my bed, but I couldn't concentrate on anything but the tingles of pleasure that were dancing through my body. I was vaguely aware of his hands travelling, and soon I felt his fingers at the top button of my shirt.

_He loves me…I think I can do this…_

Why not? We were two teenage boys who were in love… we couldn't get pregnant…he obviously wanted it, and, I suddenly realized, I did too. I wanted to give myself to him completely.

As he unbuttoned the first button, he suddenly gasped and pulled away. "Sorry…" he said guiltily.

Now I was confused. "What's wrong? Do you not want me anymore?" That had to be it. I blushed and looked away. Gently he took my chin in his hand and made me look at him.

"Of course I want you," he said, and I glanced up in shy relief. His voice sounded almost forced, as if he was struggling with what he was saying. "But I can't take advantage of you like that. I care too much about you."

Weakly I protested, "But…I think I want to…"

His finger pressed gently against my lips. "Then we will wait…" his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "Then we will wait until you know for sure you are ready." He grimaced as if in pain, but tried to cover it up with a charming smile.

_He really did love me._ He cared enough about me to wait… and to wait as long as I needed to. I smiled up at him in breathless awe as he caught my lips in a soft kiss.

_This was different._ It wasn't lust or desire… it was something entirely different. I almost laughed in happy surprise. I could feel the love in his kiss. He wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me to him. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door.

"Ernst?" my mother called, "Is your friend still here?" I watched his eyes grow wide and felt mine do the same. He started to pull away, but soon stopped because my arms were still wound tightly around his neck.

He chuckled quietly and kissed me quickly, whispering, "Ernst, darling, you need to let go now…"

I felt a blush creeping up as I dropped my arms and he swiftly got off of me, leaning comfortably against the wall.

"Yes, Mother," I said as she entered. She smiled happily, obviously glad that I had made a friend.

"How are you feeling, dear?"

"Much better," I said, and glanced, smiling quickly, at Hanschen. She beamed looking between the two of us before speaking again.

"That's wonderful! Well, as much as I hate to do this, Hanschen, I am afraid I have to send you home. Wouldn't want you catching Ernst's bug."

He nodded quickly. "I understand, Frau Robel." I tried to hold back a whimper.

"Perhaps you can spend the night sometime soon," she smiled as she left, and Hanschen raised his eyebrows at me, laughing silently. I frowned as soon as she was gone.

"I don't want you to leave…"

"Don't worry," he leaned over the bed to kiss me reassuringly. "I will be right back."

Swiftly he left the room, and I lay back against the pillow, thinking about what had happened.

_He loved me._ Hanschen Rilow _loved_ me! I felt nothing but happiness as I daydreamed about… dare I call him my boyfriend? Suddenly a heard a tap at my window. I gasped happily as I got out of bed and looked out to see my love standing there, the moonlight reflecting off his blonde hair. He smiled as he threw another pebble that tapped against my window.

I smiled shyly as I pulled up the glass pane, leaning lightly against the window sill. I felt vaguely like a Shakespearian Juliet as he began to scale the tree outside my room. Finally he made it to the top and reached out a hand for mine. I took it gently and helped him inside, and I was immediately greeted with a soft kiss. I melted against him and blushed, whispering shyly, "I was just thinking about you."

"Of course you were," he laughed quietly. I let out an unwilling yawn and he laughed again. "Let's get you to bed."

"But but but…" I protested weakly, and he pressed a finger to my lips, gently pushing me to the bed. Suddenly I was swept up into his arms, and he placed me gently on the mattress.

"I promise I will be here when you wake up," he said as he pulled back the covers and got into bed next to me. I held my breath as he wrapped his arms around my waist and gently pressed his lips to my shoulder. In his arms, I felt safe, loved, happy. In his arms, I slowly drifted off to sleep.


	14. Admitted: Hanschen

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Hanschen

I fell asleep that night on the bathroom floor, leaning my head against the cool tile walls. I came sharply awake at some ungodly hour, but I wasn't tired. In fact, I was scared out of my mind. Now that I knew I loved Ernst I had to tell him.

It wasn't as if I was afraid of what he would say. I knew that he would say he loved me too. But the idea of admitting to myself that I was in love still made me slightly sick to my stomach, much less admitting it to someone else. Love meant commitment and commitment was not my thing.

And then there was Thea…

He had seen me kiss her, and, even though it had meant less than nothing, it had obviously hurt him badly. But he had to forgive me when I said I loved him…right?

The sun was just coming up but I quickly jumped into a cold shower and stood there a long time, trying to think of ways I could get him alone and get him to listen. What if he just ran away from me?

After what may have been hours I got out of the shower and quickly dressed. It was getting late. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair and then walked straight through the kitchen and out the door. I certainly wasn't hungry.

Briskly I walked to school, preparing for the worst. When Ernst saw me his expression would be heartbreaking. Melchior would glare at me all day.

_Melchior._ I was suddenly very worried that he would not let me anywhere near Ernst. How would I get rid of him? Worries buzzed through my head as I approached the school.

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself and yanked the door open. My eyes darted around looking for Ernst, but he was nowhere to be found. His seat was empty. I blinked back my surprise. I had not even considered that he wouldn't be there.

My eyes met Melchior's glare from across the room. As I casually walked past him, I whispered, "Where's Ernst?"

"Sick," he whispered flatly back, and I could tell from his tone that I wasn't getting any more answers.

This was going to be a long day…

For seven hours I endured Herr Sonnenstitch's _insolent_ drone, Melchior's angry glares, and, worst of all, the anticipation of what would happen when I finally got to Ernst. At last, the day ended, and I had at least come up with an excuse to see him. I walked impatiently up to Herr Sonnenstitch's desk before he could leave.

"May I have Ernst's work for today sir? I can give it to him on my way home."

"Very well," his bored voice was still monotone as he shuffled around his desk. He handed me a small pile of papers and a geometry book, then quickly disappeared out the door. With a final glare from Melchior I was out the door and began to swiftly run.

My head pounded as I ran all the way to his house. I couldn't remember ever having been there before, but perhaps from some childhood party I knew the way and what the house looked like.

As I stepped onto the front porch, I began to compulsively fix my hair, more to stall than anything else. Finally, I took a deep breath, mustered all of my once abundant courage, and knocked on the door. To my relief Ernst's mother came to the door. This gave me a few more moments to prepare myself.

"Hello," she opened the door cordially, "are you a friend of Ernst's?"

I nodded weakly. "Yes. My name is Hanschen Rilow."

Her smile grew. "Oh yes, you are the boy who has been tutoring Ernst."

I nodded again. "Yes ma'am." I looked down suddenly remembering my reason…or rather, my excuse… for coming. "I brought his schoolwork for today."

"Oh how nice of you!" she smiled widely.

"Could I… bring it up to him… and see how he is feeling?" I asked shyly.

She paused in thought. "I suppose. I would hate to turn away a new friend. Just knock first, he might be asleep."

"Thank you," I smiled shakily and began to climb the stairs.

"First door on the left!" she called happily after me.

I approached the door and paused again to collect myself. I held my breath as I knocked timidly on the door.

"Mom?" I heard him call from inside.

My voice caught and instead of answering I slowly opened the door to reveal myself. His eyes widened as I leaned against the doorway, shoving my free hand in my pocket.

"I brought your schoolwork," I said uncomfortably. I slowly entered the room, looking for a place to put the books before settling on the nightstand by his bed. As soon as the books left my hand, my eyes caught his. I hadn't kissed him in two days… reflexively I began to lean toward him.

"No," his voice was barely audible.

"What, Ernst?" I asked quietly.

"Nnno. Yyou have to llleave," he stuttered.

I couldn't leave yet. "But Ernst…I need to…"

"I dddon't ccare. Yyou bbroke my heart. Yyyou ddon't care about mme…"

"But I…" I started. Suddenly, I felt myself being shoved away. Ernst had _pushed_ me! I tried to protest, but he covered his ears with his hands.

"I am nnot llistening…"

Sighing nervously, I tried to pull his hands away from his ears, even for just long enough to utter the three words he needed to hear. He closed his eyes tightly. I groaned to myself. I didn't want to do this the hard way, but I couldn't think of anything else that would get him to listen. I leaned forward and kissed him passionately. The kiss only reassured me of what I needed to tell him.

"Sorry, I just need you to hear me when I say this…" I took a deep breath, the fear seizing my body and quieting my voice as I spoke. "I love you."

_Thank God, I had said it_. His eyes opened quickly. "You what?"

It was a little easier this time. "Ernst, I love you."

I watched his eyes water as he whispered, "I love you too…" I gasped quickly. Had I really been worried that he wouldn't say it back? As I silently shook from relief and fear of what we had just established, he silently pulled me down by my collar into a gentle kiss.

Suddenly the kiss wasn't so gentle anymore. Instinct took over, yet again, and I found myself on top of him, with his arms wrapped around my neck. I moved the passionate kiss down to his neck. Automatically my fingers went to his top button.

Maybe now that we were in love…no. I couldn't…it just didn't feel right. It would be taking advantage of him all over again, and I couldn't do that to the boy I _loved_. The word came even easier this time. Quickly I pulled away. "Sorry…"

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, "Do you not want me anymore?" How could he possibly think that? I gently took his chin in my hand.

"Of course I want you," I forced out the truth. "But I can't take advantage of you like that. I care too much about you."

"But…I think I want to…"

Conflicted, and silently cursing myself, I pressed a finger to his lips. "Then we will wait…" my voice cracked as I realized what I was saying. "Then we will wait until you are sure you are ready." _Oh God…how long could that be?_

I tried not to think about it as I pressed my lips gently to his.

Um…wow…

I didn't know what it was that was different about his kiss. I couldn't describe it. I had forgotten my lust and had been left with pure…love. And I really, really liked it. I wrapped my arms happily around his waist, pulling him as close as I could. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door.

_Damn._

"Ernst?" His mother's voice came through the door, "Is your friend still here?"

I watched his eyes widen and, to my surprise, felt mine do the same. I quickly tried to get off him, but his arms were still wrapped tightly around my neck. I couldn't help but laugh gently and kiss him quickly again.

"Ernst, darling," I said, shocked at how easily the pet name came, "you need to let go now…"

He blushed lightly as he removed his arms. Quickly I got up off of him and leaned gently against the wall.

"Yes, Mother," he called as she entered.

"How are you feeling, dear?" she asked.

"Much better," he said, and we shared a secret smile. I could tell by the way his mother beamed at us that I would have no trouble stealing Ernst on a regular basis.

"That's wonderful!" she said. "Well, as much as I hate to do this, Hanschen, I am afraid I have to send you home. Wouldn't want you catching Ernst's bug."

I nodded politely. "I understand, Frau Robel."

"Perhaps you can spend the night sometime soon," she said as she walked out the door.

_Now that was an idea_. I couldn't help but laugh happily at the prospect.

"I don't want you to leave…" Ernst said as soon as she was out of earshot.

"Don't worry," I stooped to place another soft kiss on his lips. "I will be right back."

I quickly left the room, taking the stairs two at a time. My parents would not even notice if I didn't come home tonight… they probably weren't even home themselves. I said a polite goodbye to Ernst's mother before going out the front door.

I ran all the way around to the back of the house, trying to figure out which window was Ernst's. Well…what would be the harm if I picked the wrong window? His mother was in the kitchen…

I picked up a handful of pebbles off the ground and picked a window at random.

_Plunk._ Nothing. I tried once more. _Plunk._ I guess that wasn't it. I tried the next window over. _Plunk._ Ernst's raven head appeared at the window. I smiled and threw another pebble for good measure.

Now all that was left was to figure out how to get up there… I glanced around and saw a conveniently placed tree just outside his window.

_Well that was lucky._

I reached up and pulled myself onto the first branch. Quickly and skillfully I climbed up to the top of the tree to his window. He pulled up the pane and I reached out my hand for his. He took it and pulled me inside quickly, and I couldn't help but kiss him again.

"I was just thinking about you," he blushed quietly.

"Of course you were," I laughed happily. He yawned adorably and I laughed again. "Let's get you to bed."

"But but but…" he tried to protest. I pressed a finger to his lips and swept him gallantly up in my arms, placing him gently into bed.

"I promise I will be here when you wake up." Oops. I hadn't meant to say that… but somehow I knew I would never dream of leaving. I climbed into bed next to him and wrapped my arms protectively around his waist.

_Oh, God._ This was going to be difficult. We were so close, but I had to let him sleep. Automatically I felt my lips go toward his neck, but I quickly moved them and gently kissed his shoulder instead. I bit my lip and tightened my arms around him.

_I could do this._ We were in a relationship now…damn. But as much as the idea scared and repulsed me in theory, somehow with Ernst in the picture it made me…happy. And I wanted to make him happy. I would be whatever he needed me to be, and right now he needed me to be less horny and more sleepy.

Well…that's it. The final chapter. I really really hope you liked it. PLEASE review! I am hoping to start a new story as soon as possible and I would love an eager audience :) I love you all, especially those who reviewed!


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